Friday, January 7, 2011

New Muslimah

As salaam alaikum,

I'm not afraid to admit it. Before, I was a sad Muslimah.

What do I mean by this?

I was sad in the sense that there was a certain sorrow, a certain angst and a certain desperation that was an undertone in so much of what made me Muslim. Islam for me was my way of life, but my struggle was muddied by so many extraneous things. For example, it was muddied by my desire to be accepted as a Muslim. I narrowed myself, the varied and beautiful self I was, that Allah (swt) made me, to fit into a religious box. I realize only now that it was unnecessary. I'm not excusing the ways in which I've strayed, am straying, and will stray as a Muslim...and part of this disclaimer is an artifact of the whole wanting to be accepted bit. No. I have very personal ways in which I know I can be a better Muslim. But nothing about me as I was before I narrowed myself as a Muslimah was in conflict with the five pillars of Islam, first, or the spirit of Islam in general. I was fine.

My struggle was also muddied by my desire for companionship, something I've wanted for so long. I had a hard time believing God because I didn't understand why I couldn't have just had this companionship. It was half of my religion, Allah (swt) saw me sad...what did I need to do? So much energy was expended hoping for that, it muddied my Islam, too.

Now I find myself in a strange place, a place that I never imagined I'd be in because of my involvement with a person that I never thought would exist. I've said no to so many in my life and he kind of slipped quickly, quietly, stealthily through the cracks, through a small gap. He found an exception clause and squeezed himself into my life more quickly than I could deny him.

As I said in my last entry, I can't but make this be an opportunity for spiritual growth.

So, I'm no longer the sad Muslimah. So many of my entries here were reassuring myself...reassuring myself of my acceptance as a Muslimah, reassuring myself through the Qur'an and the spirit of Islam that it would happen for me, reassuring myself that I was a good person by the grace of God who had unique ideas and a unique way of living Islam, loved by Allah (swt) in spite of my shortcomings. It was a way to record my angst.

I mean, let me not be all revisionist history up in here. It was also a way for me to express myself in writing, and to be comfortable expressing things as a Muslim with mention of God as much as I wanted. In regular life, I found I had to censor a whole lot because some people are offended when you mention God a lot. So this was my place to be free. I left my old site because I realized that I felt the need to posture, depending on who was there, and not only do I not like that, but that's deception. So I came here, felt more free to express myself, felt more free to talk about whatever, felt more free to not have to defend myself.

And my life changed, and I'm no longer the sad Muslimah. My entries here will change as they have changed.

So I'm new right now. I don't quite know how to characterize the change. But I'm growing now. On to the next phase of my life.

Which includes...aaaaahhhh!

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