As salaam alaikum,
I went to bed last night, smiling, knowing that I was Vivinha da Silva and loving it!
What does that mean? It's this expression that I've started hearing on my novela that I liken to the use of "McGee" in Engilsh, although we wouldn't say something like, I'm Alive McGee.
I've called myself and others things like Sleeps McGee before when they oversleep...or, I've nicknamed our elusive residential mouse Mousy McGee (along with Mickey and Squeakers).
But I love that expression! I'm going to start using it...
Because that's how I felt last night, Vivinha da Silva and in love with life!
I have to realize something, lest I fret. Just like my love with any temporal thing or any person's worldly existence, it's not going to be perfect. Things and people let me down, make me sad, make loving them very difficult. But just as I don't despair when being in love hurts sometimes or loving someone is difficult, nor should I worry so much when I'm in love with life so much it hurts, or when loving my life is difficult.
This one sister in a facebook sisters forum I belong to said that she believes the cure for depression is love. I took that to heart. And I thought about it. The only time I have not had the occasional bouts of depression was when I was living love.
I've always been a sensitive person (though Marvin Gaye would argue that we're all sensitive people...with so much to give...sorry, couldn't resist it).\
But that mess is true!
My biggest worry in life, more than experiencing or dying in a fire, is not living love in all aspects of my life. Alhamdulillah, I'm able to live love in my family life, in my schooling and insha'Allah I'll be able to do so in my career. I pray to be able to live love in my marriage and the raising of my children. But those are the great unknowns that I worry will never happen.
But instead, let me thrive on my love for this life, this wonderful life that was a gift from God that even so pales in comparison to what is to come. Let me thrive, above all else, in my love for God, the only love that is reciprocated to perfection.
I learned the word reciprocity from Lauryn Hill when I was in middle school, by the way. I've never forgotten that.
My life in music, indeed!
Yes, sometimes life will upset me. Sometimes I'll be insecure. Sometimes it will be a challenge, a challenge I'd rather not go through. But I shouldn't give up on it.
I should live love like I live the love for my father, who I've had a slightly tenuous relationship with since I told him I was Muslim almost 7 years ago. We have some bad times, but that doesn't make me want to abandon my father. I take those times in stride, feeling the pain of my father's unwarranted disappointment as the occasional love pang.
I love my family like crazy, even though so many have done incredibly disappointing things, even though loving some of them is made difficult by their personality or their life choices. I love them through worrying about them, for their lives, without missing a beat. There is never a point when I wanted to disown any of them.
And when I love a man, I love like there is no other. I'm afraid to pronounce it because it's so strong, and I've toned it down for my own sake, but the happiest time in my life were the moments of sheer joy that I lived while being in love, even with the feeling of precariousness and uncertainty. It's the only time hope has felt so good, and aspirations soared so high, and life seemed so magic. And I just acknowledged the fact that I want this and that I'm justified in wanting this with the man I am to marry.
I don't desire to relinquish these bonds, even the while loving them is difficult. So I should not fret when life is painful, when I'm insecure, when I'm uncertain about the future, because the fact of the matter is that life is here to stay for a while, insha'Allah, and when it's no longer for me, something greater is there. So I should not fear, nor should I grieve.
We feel so far from God in this existence, but He's given us a guide through Qur'an and Sunnah to achieve the full extent of our blessings while here, while we're joining together in the mutual teachings of truth. That's what makes this life so hard, because we feel so far...
I didn't crumble when I believed my grandmother was dying, nor do I crumble as she succumbs to dementia. I don't crumble when my father and I have a difficult relationship, or when family is in a bad way, or when school gets hard. No. So why do I crumble when life gets hard?
Because somehow, I believed that being in love with life or loving life was somehow different than any other worldly loves. Was I committing shirk? That type of love should be reserved only for God. No, my love of life should be no different. There are good days and there are better days, in reality, no real bad days, because I always have numerous, uncountable blessings. God is to merciful to allow worst case scenario, ever.
So yes, I'm Vivinha da Silva, so alive right now, so loving it, and sometimes, that means I will cry and have my heart wrenched but I should bear that crooked smile, the one that MTQ once described that women have on their face when they are looking at pictures of those they love...
His words were so beautiful for a 20-year-old man. I loved that about him, and so many other things.
The pain of life is just part of my loving it as much as I do. My despair is an artifact of me loving so much. I was so afraid to say what has always been true...I love so much and sometimes I feel harder than those around me. I revel in it, I really do. It's like an ill-trained superpower that I've had to learn how to direct properly for maximum impact...
Maximum extent of my blessings, maximize my relationship with God while on this earth...
Maximum love. I'm ready to continue living it!