Sunday, June 10, 2012

Weekend Throwback: Odd Inspiration

As salaam alaikum,

I just thought of this song suddenly while reading a blog. I'm not sure why. I find that when something is on my mind, a song of a similar theme will suddenly pop into my head and play on repeat for a few minutes until I'm aware of what I'm thinking of.

Earlier today, it was Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know" (for perhaps obvious reasons) and Esperanza Spalding's "City of Roses" (the latter is an approximation, because I'm in the Pacific Northwest, not Portland, though-- Seattle, and I find it quite lovely).

Then, "Holding Back the Years." I tried to remember how I felt about it at the time it was Odd Inspiration for me, but I think I remember now. Reading the old entry certainly helps. This is back from my original InvisibleMuslimah. If I didn't know I was studying for the boards at the time I wrote this, I'd think I was reading old literature with how thick my prose is in spots, haha:

Monday March 30, 2009
As salaam alaikum,

I draw inspiration from odd places.  Most recently, it has been from the song, "Holding Back the Years" by Simply Red.  I don't reminds me of my life up to this point, and how I've said so many times that I wasted time/energy pining for a man who didn't see me the same way at all, while I didn't realize how much I was growing and becoming the woman I wanted to be outside of that situation.

Sometimes we get stuck on a path that doesn't work for us, not because it's not destiny, just because it doesn't work.  Something could work, and that also could not be our destiny...but other times, it just doesn't work.  Like cogs in a rounded, one sharp.  The gear doesn't work, you force it, and now you've broken things.  Or, you don't force it, and just figure out that the reason it didn't because it doesn't work.

I live a lot in my mind, as I was saying in my last entry.  Everything on the outside could be fine but in my mind exists a reality which I found out, shockingly so, is not the closest approximation to reality.  In my mind, I was a failure.  I was unattractive, I was a poor excuse for a human being.  I had wasted years when I was younger.  Anyone close to me (or that read my journal) knows about these inside feelings, but outside...masha'Allah, I was getting things done!

All in my head...

This song, "Holding Back the Years" reminds me of the reality that existed in my head.  The conception of me as a failure while life is moving along around me, but not leaving me behind...I'm traveling with it...and alhamdulillah, I always have...

Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I've had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that's gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I've known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
So tight

Well I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all of those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could...

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding

That's all I have today
It's all I have to say

This song seems sad, but I don't interpret it that way...oddly.  When he says, "I've wasted my tears/ wasted all these years./ Nothing had the chance to be good/ nothing ever could," I interpret that as my coming to the realization that, yes, energy was wasted, and because I was in that state, that downward spiral state, I didn't give the good things in my life a chance to be good...I wanted things to be bad.  I wanted to feel bad, whatever the get it all out at once or the[n] revel in it grotesquely.
I throw myself into an unnecessarily tumultuous existence, not allowing myself to realize my blessings.

"Thinking of the fear I've had so long."  Yes.  I've been afraid of life.  I move forward on some things, but some things, the things I feel I have the least control over, I'm afraid of.  And yet, Allah (swt) has blessed me with all of this, with barely my asking, barely my praying, barely my dreaming for it, and I'm going to doubt enough to fear for my future?

I'm not sure what it means to hold back the years (thus the title of the song), but I'm taking it to mean...I'm going to put those years behind me.  I want to remember them, I want to revel in them or get them over with, lest I return, but I'm going to put them away for good...forever...
I'll keep holding on to my faith, even though yes, I wasted time...Allah (swt) carried me through, little did I recognize until this point.  My mind wasn't where it needed to be for a long time, and now, alhamdulillah, it's starting to be.  He's carried me through, He's protected me, He's protecting me from my own foolishness...

So it's my inspiration.  It's saying goodbye to that fear.  With open eyes, I move forward carefully, faithful that Allah (swt) is poised to support me at all times, and never leaves me alone.

I'm going to give things more of a chance to be good. :-)


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