I do not take a break from the wonders and perils of being a woman (hahaha, get it?), but I feel like this is an issue that is sex- and genderless.
This song is how I feel inside of my body right now, from the urgency of that early 90s feel, to the lyrics...I urgently need relief:
I can't listen to it again, because it made me feel agitated. My calm shall be prayer. I had a rough day at the hospital today, and in all the helping voices among my seniors, family and friends, I know there's something that is missing. The trust in myself, which is an extension of my trust in God.
Of course not saying I am God or part God. Not even sure I'm saying God is in me. I'm just saying...for every time I thought I was a failure and a waste of a human being, I'm not trusting The One who not only put me here but gave me abundant blessings.
And for the first time, I'm not beating myself up about that. I beat myself up so much about any twinge of that in the past that I barely acknowledged it as fact. That I don't entirely trust God.
And for the most spiritual among us, it sounds like sacrilege! Even in my least adherent times, I didn't want to make the pronouncement. I was going through a phase, figuring things out, just taking with me my faith in God and having to reform my religion around it.
But my faith and trust have never been complete. And I think to expect that they would was once again my attempt to approximate the near impossible near perfection that I never nearly achieved.
I do not completely trust God. There are things that I trust God more for than others. I personally fear making any pronouncement about which things those are, nor do I want to make the pronouncement of why I am afraid to make that pronouncement, less God makes that fear come to fruition.
And then I'll be left thinking, "What did that mean?"
The things I take for granted daily, I do not pray about. The things I trust God to guarantee to most likely preserve especially if I pray about them, I pray the most about.
I can talk more comfortably about the things I don't have "proper" trust in God for.
I, over time, have had little trust in God in the relationship/marriage department. And by trust in God, it's not that I don't believe He's not here with me and able to help me in decisions. No, I know He's always here. My trust is mainly my trust in prayer, our main conduit of communication, if you will.
I have little faith that my prayers for relationships/marriage will be answered, just because so many weren't, at least within space and time parameters I understood when I prayed. I trust so little that I rarely pray about it anymore. Embarking on a relationship and not being able to bring myself to God about it, the One who I more fully place my trust in for so many other important aspects of my life...is more momentous than the relationship itself has been. And though that is not entirely attributable to my entire unhinging this afternoon...and never has been, but I think is a more comfortable place for me to feel like things are amiss...it's still huge!
The only thing that has brought me relief in this hectic day is admitting the above to myself. All of the above. That one thing, that so important to me thing that I've never really had a lot of trust in God for, before and after the advent of my adherence to Islam. Admitting it makes me realize it for what it really is. And it helps me parse out that other area of my life, other than my growth as a physician, that feels off for me right now.
I feel like, as a result, every step I take is against God, when it doesn't have to be. I will take it to prayer, even though I feel right now that the result of the prayer is that I will be painfully alone for many more years, if not forever. I think I must have hit rock bottom with this as some point because for the first time in a while, I feel like I have a mustard seed of faith...and some small part of me feels like God will actually help me in my current situation and not shun me to a lifetime of loneliness, which was my status quo prior to this.
I'm going to take that mustard seed and run with it! As painful as it feels right now to try to hold fast to that mustard seed of trust! It hurts to trust when you fear getting burned!
Mark my words, dear readers. I'm including this and my stresses at work in prayer, knowing that the more I can trust God, the more that I can trust that I am beloved creation with poise and purpose and if I'm not able to appreciate the value of that realization in and of itself, hopefully I can appreciate that it will make me a more effective practitioner...
I'm praying tomorrow is better, that God guides me in my current relationship, and yeah...in addition to those things that I steadily have more trust in God for.