Thursday, September 15, 2011

State of Grace

As salaam alaikum,

Last night, while I was helping a woman labor (and she did quite well, actually), delivering her first baby, I had another premonition, similar to the one that I had in April of 2010 when I looked at B and knew, oddly, strangely that we would be together later. This one was so strong, I don't even want to pronounce it, lest I jinx it or come to disbelieve in it. Suffice it to say, I'm now filled with an overwhelming sense of peace, that everything is going to be alright for me, and God will provide beyond measure for me. I don't have to worry.

It was a great night! I delivered three would have been four, but I got myself together too late to deliver the last, that just came out with one and a half pushes. Mom was like, yep, I knew it would be like this.

Then there were two sets of happy first-time parents who had beautiful baby girls. It struck me that one of the moms was my brother's age, and as she got prepared to push, she stuck her tongue out at me. I realized...oh my gosh, we're adults, but we're so young!

Anyway, I think because I was in my zone last night, moving from delivery to delivery, that I felt that state of grace. I've had this feeling before. Back when I was in college and came home for Christmas break, there were a handful of times I'd be riding in the car with my mother and brother and think, "Oh, I want to hear this song." Then, I'd get home, turn on the television to VH1 Soul, and that song would be just starting to play. I've recorded a few of my favorite songs that way. One of them was, "Gone Til November" by Wyclef Jean, and the other, "It Never Rains (In Southern California)" by Tony! Toni! Tone! There might have been a few others, but I mentioned to my mother then that I must have been in a state of grace.

(This was in the days before YouTube, by the a song that I want to hear is virtually at my fingertips...crazy to live in this time of so much sudden innovation).

When I looked at B in April and knew, alarmingly, that we would be together...I mentioned it in my old journal, but then I gradually came to deny it. I was like, no, maybe it means that I'll be with someone, not him. And then, it bothered me that this was the only sense I got. I didn't know if we would be married, if the relationship would last, what it would mean...just that we would end up together. Similarly, right before we broke up, I had the feeling that we weren't meant to be together as he began to slip away, and frustratingly, I didn't know if that meant we wouldn't be together now, or never...

This of a different subject matter. It changes my perspective on life completely, makes me ever grateful to God for what he has given me, makes me even more submissive to Him, makes me realize how much He can say "be" and it is, makes me realize how much life can completely change from one moment to the next...

And, I'm applying to residency in family medicine and got an interview offer from one of my favorite programs! Keep me in your duas as this nerve-wracking interview acquisition process continues!

Anyway, life is exciting and scary on all fronts. I have to talk about this premonition somewhere, just not here.

And this segment on the Daily Show is so true...

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