You know what? I'm tired of being a hypocrite!
That's right, a hypocrite, the likes that are decried in the Qur'an!
Am I being hard on myeslf? I think not. I think we've all got a little bit of hypocrite in us sometimes, having our guardian angels shake their heads from time to time at what we do. It's solace to know that God knows us more than we know ourselves by virtue of having created us, and that he is therefore merciful as we stumble in understanding Him and accepting and following the straight path.
Why am I being a hypocrite? I claim to be Muslim, and I say my salat, and after salat and in between salat and right before bed, I say my prayers, my dow'at. I've said variations of the same prayer since I was 12 years old and first prayed to know love, and since I passed my mid-20s and I started to doubt that it would ever come. And yet, I do all of this praying, but I undo it by disbelieving as soon as I raise my voice and open my lids from my prayer!
I don't do it as much here as I do in real life, but I have a mania for declaring that it will "never happen," this love I so desire. The marriage I want, the family I feel I need. I say that it's going to be "impossible," but really, when has anything ever been impossible for God? Astaghfirullah! Never!
He granted the mother of Maryam (as) the child of greatness that she desired, even as she was dismayed that Maryam was a girl. He saw Maryam (as) have a child, though no man had touched her, and saw Isa (as) speak in the cradle. He saw Abraham have two children, one with his wife far past the age of childbearing. Haha, not that I'm likening myself to the prophets and their wives, but God can make anything possible when it comes to family life, so I shouldn't fret...less should I say with my mouth and come to believe that God will not answer my prayer.
Because that is me, acting like a hypocrite. Saying with one side of my mouth that I believe God and with the other side of my mouth, doubting with the best of the doubters!
So no! I'm going to make a concerted effort not to doubt openly anymore. And if I find myself doubting, I'm going to take it to prayer, as I do other temptations and weaknesses in my iman.
So, no more saying it's impossible just because it seems to be taking longer than I had initially imagined, because potential suitors aren't measuring up, because I want it sooner rather than later but it's ending up being later...
Nothing is impossible with God. So let me stop trippin', hahaha.
Oh yeah, and an ode to my childhood...I heard this on the radio today as I was driving home from running some errands. This was my favorite song from 1997 (I was 12).
Man, this was my jam back in the day. I would be thinking, "Oh yes, Janet, I get lonely, too. C doesn't even know I exist..." Hahahaha, I was a cuter, masha'Allah, if I do say so myself.