"I've got myself to remind me of love..."
This song started going through my mind just a little bit ago. I read an entry from December 2010, when B and I were just coming to be, and I recalled it in sadness. I recalled how friends said I was the happiest they'd ever seen me, and how I was the happiest I'd ever been, hoping for big things out of the two of us...and we all know how it ended.
And then I texted a friend who, for whatever reason, is utterly unavailable. My other friend is on her way to a conference, and I just bought my tickets to leave Boston for the foreseeable future.
The early spring sun shines through my window like it hasn't since I moved in, warming my room though there is still a chill outside. And I felt desolate suddenly.
Time to eat, I resolved. Time to eat, watch some of my favorite shows, and maybe write a little bit. I got the idea to start writing the "Black Widow" idea I mentioned earlier, as well as reworking RMD a little. But time to eat, first.
I scooped my rice and chicken onto a plate, a little dismayed at the portion sizes, but I'm on a diet. My friend came by unexpectedly and enjoyed the food a lot, but that means I have one serving less. One piece of chicken for me, or else none tomorrow. All for a better cause, I thought, as I took my salad out of the fridge. The blueberries I put in my salad make me happy.
And then I heard this song in my head, started humming it...and I had to listen to it.
And with this, I'm reminded of my mission...my mission of reframing loneliness. This time is perfect for me to do what God knows I do best. My happiness is coolly muted like this song playing at low volumes on repeat in the background. Slow tempo, tiptoeing in the recesses of my mind. With this and by God's grace, I successfully flipped my desolation into hopefulness and inspiration for my newest story idea...
"These happy feelings...I spread them all over the world..."
From deep in my soul...I hold fast because God's got something better for me.