Afraid of Sex

As salaam alaikum,

Hahaha, now that I've surely gotten your attention...just to clarify, I am not afraid of sex.

But one of my exes thinks I am, apparently.

One of my exes? Thought I only had one, right? There was actually, if readers may recall, a short rebound after my relationship with B. I guess I needed to feel wanted? Bad idea. If you find yourself rebounding, get away from yourself as soon as possible...and run!

Anyway, ex the remix called me yesterday to talk. After months of my assuming that he would have moved on. Not so much. He told me he just wants to be friends with me, but I can tell he's not over me because (1) he told me not to tell him about my ex or any other guy I may have dated (same thing I did with ex the prototype) and (2) his mother wanted to say hello to me.

When you know you should get off the phone...

But honestly, he was a really nice guy, and still is...nicer than ex the prototype (hahaha, I like these names...I'm going to capitalize them, make them proper, and continue). It's just that...

I just wasn't that into him.

It was an informative experience...clued me into what must just happen in relationships sometimes. I think either gender tries to rationalize it and have it make sense to them, and really, all that's happening is that the other person is trying to soften the blow of "I just don't want to be with you, you are not the one," etc.

It took me a long time to get that, and it took me having to be that to another person to understand all that went down with Ex the Prototype...and maybe I gained a little insight from reading a little bit about President Obama's ex, and all of the embarrassing ways that she tried to rationalize why he was distant with her...

Not that into you, babe. You were no Michelle for him. Sorry!

He's just not that into you is not only for women. It's for men, too.

Surprise, guys! Happy un-birthday!

It just happens that Ex the Prototype actually told me really indelicately (to the point that I burst into tears) and tried to make it better later, leading to the chaos which was the year it took me to get over everything. I did not tell Ex the Remix that, really, I thought I could do better...because seriously, who would do that?

What did I tell him? I didn't know if I was ready for a relationship, that I didn't know what I wanted, and that I didn't think we would work out in the long run. I'm in a very different place, religiously and spiritually. And that's the version I sold.

The truth is...it's not that I don't know what I want. It's a combination of...I don't know if I can get what I want and I'm not sure if what I want is, in fact, what I need. So I tread very carefully over relationships...but I know when I absolutely don't want something, and what he wanted and what he was, I didn't want. I could have told him that, but...he sometimes (many times) doesn't understand my logic (because he assumes that women are illogical...this is actually his primary demerit, that he doesn't understand me most of the time, and it makes communication impossible...).

Translation: I'm just not that into you. He'd understand that. But he'd be hurt. So no, I didn't tell him that.

So he thinks I'm afraid of sex, most likely for "religious reasons." He thinks I should start dating immediately. And he made sure to warn me not to get too attached to my husband when I get married if that is my first time, because he noticed that females get "sprung" the first guy they "smash" with. He asked if I understood ebonics before he made this blunt admission...

What the eff ever!

Just because I talk "white" doesn't mean I didn't at one point and still am able to speak "ebonics," or otherwise understand it. You ain't never seen no doctor talking no ebonics up in the office, though, now, have you? Or any other professional office, for that matter? I don't know what you think this is...

I have to be like my mother right now...black people! That's why y'all ain't running nothing. Get over this white talk/black talk bull and maybe focus more on being proud of and supporting each others' endeavors, whatever they may be, and maybe we can elevate ourselves... This is no longer about the infamous white man. We do enough to relegate ourselves and to keep ourselves down. All anyone else has to do is sit back and laugh at us, because they are. They most certainly are.

Okay. Sorry, the black nationalist blood runs thick through my vessels.

Anyway, warning me against getting too attached to a future husband? What is marriage, one, and two, it's evident this fool guy doesn't know me from Eve.

Nor, thankfully, in any other Biblical sense...

And that was on purpose! No, I didn't have sex with you, and it was not because I'm afraid of sex. I don't like you and you patronizing me and treating me like a silly little girl is not helping. First thing, I fear God, and while I have done my fair share of bounds-overstepping, generally speaking, when I know for sure I'm about to make a mistake, I stop. And sex with you, my friend, would have always been a mistake because...you were not the one, second thing.

But that's fine. I'll let you go on thinking that I was afraid of sex, that I have no idea how to conduct myself in relationships, that men scare me. It makes you feel better to believe that, and that's fine.

I pray to God that I don't have to put up with anymore BS male sexual politic philosophers who will try to tell me about myself and instruct me in relationships. I may not always know where to draw my lines and I may be a virgin but I knew exactly what I was doing when I said no to you.

I am not afraid of sex. I look forward to it with tempered anticipation...in a controlled emotional and spiritual environment full of trust, respect and understanding, as God intends for us, as a protection for both of us...

And I guess, for you, that equates fear.

Hehehe...I guess it's like, the difference between someone thinking that one is afraid of heights for not skydiving while they are perfectly fine in tall buildings in observation decks. It's not the heights I'm afraid of...

It's the fear of the falling.