Eighth Juz

As salaam alaikum,

As the days pass, I can't believe how much of the Qur'an I've read through! It's because somehow, we're almost a third through Ramadan. And to that I say noooooo not already! We've just started! What have I been doing with my days?

The fact is, August is a busy month, what with applying to residency, which is a multifaceted and difficult process...and I'm still a medical student rotating through hospitals. And I'm still trying to be the best doctor I can be.

And then, there's K...and I'm sorry, baby boy, I struggle to not let anything come between me and God normally, and I definitely will not let you distract my Ramadan!

Now! Onward!

I feel like the first few ajiza' give me the necessary wake-up call I need to get my Ramadan jump started. It's all like, yeah, true believers hold their prayers sacred, where are you with that, mistress ma'am? And then I'm all like, oh, shame on me...I need to do better, I know...

And then, there comes the uplifting, inspiring stuff. So we're getting closer.

Here's something that year after year I must have missed:

"And, verily, the evil impulses [within men's hearts] whisper unto those who have made them their own that they should involve you in argument [as to what is and what is not a sin]; and if you pay heed unto them, lo! you will become [like] those who ascribe divinity to other beings or forces besides God." (6:121)

This is the second part of an ayah that starts talking about only eating food on which the name of God was pronounced, but look at that! This is a powerful ayah...it cautions us against arbitrarily outlining what we believe to be a sin and what is not, thus elevating our own morality or someone else's above God, therefore taking as divine something other than God...which is like, whoa. How many times do we as human beings do this? With my brother's voice, I say, "We really ought to be more careful!"

Anything can become a so-called "deity" or being that we give a share of God's divinity to. The following hit home as well:

"And, likewise, their belief in beings or powers that are supposed to have a share in God's divinity makes [even] the slaying of their children seem goodly to many of those who ascribe divinity to aught beside God, thus ruining them to ruin and confusing them in faith. Yet, unless God had so willed, they would not e doing all this: stand, therefore, aloof from them and all their false imagery!" (6:137)

I think in this culture, we give Happiness a divine station in place of God, often, such that happiness becomes the purpose of life, an empty value that, depending on how we slice it, will mean little to nothing in the Hereafter. Happiness will not come to save us if our destination is Hellfire.

Haha, I'm sounding more fire-and-brimstone than I usually do. The following actually brought me comfort - It's long, but 6:151-153 basically outlines all that we shouldn't do and all that we should do to be good with God. My mother called this to my attention one day as I was stressing about whether or not I was a good enough Muslim. It's pretty simple and stress-free. It's like, oooh, ooh, I can do that.

"Say: "Come, let me convey unto you what God has [really] forbidden to you: "Do not ascribe Divinity, in any way, to aught beside Him; and [do not offend against but, rather,] do good unto your parents; and do not kill your children for fear of poverty--[for] it is We who shall provide sustenance for you as well as for them; and do not commit any shameful deeds, be they open or secret; and do not take any human being's life--[the life] which God has declared to be sacred--otherwise than in [the pursuit of] justice: this He has enjoined upon you so that you might use your reason." (2:151)

Just the first part I had to put in there. We are also enjoined to not touch the orphan's belongings, and called upon to act justly, observe our bond with God and to be constantly conscious of Him. These are things that are, actually, moderately easy to do (or not do). And that makes all of this seem easier...after the fire-and-brimstone seeming last few ajiza', things have calmed down...

"Whoever shall come [before God] with a good deed will gain ten times the like thereof; but whoever shall come with an evil deed will be requited with no more than the like thereof; and none shall be wronged." (6:160)

What a great and generous justice system that is! That's why praying five times a day is a blessing...that's 50 good deeds a day for whatever bad deeds we've committed in a day. This is why believers, who are going to be striving to not be doing bad, don't need to worry...even though so many of us do worry, anyway...it's what keeps us motivated, keeps us striving...

And if I may switch to Yusuf Ali's rendering to end with an ayah my mother once read to me that really stuck with me...be careful of Satan everywhere!

"He said: "Because thou hast thrown me out of the way, lo! I will lie in wait for them on thy straight way: Then will I assault them from before and behind them, from their right and their left: Nor wilt thou find, in most of them, gratitude (for they mercies)." (7:16-17)

Satan is around us everywhere, and how many of us are really grateful for the mercies of God?

Congratulations on Waiting Until Marriage!

As salaam alaikum,

About a year ago, before B and I were together, my mother did this strange thing. She congratulated me for having waited so long to have sex, for not having had sex...for having preserved myself for so long, something like that. To that, I said, "Uhh...thank you?"

I then told her that, really, the only reason I had is because I hadn't had the opportunity to do anything. I hadn't met a guy that I really liked. I couldn't say the story would have been the same if I had actually had even one suitor in the first 7 years of my adult life.

So then B happened...and while I did have my first kiss(+), I did not have sex.

And now, there's someone else...I'm not exactly seeing him, but he's trying to be in my life. I'll call him K (hehe, if I stayed true to the patter, B should have actually been O, but that's neither here nor there). And no, I still haven't.

And I know my fellow Muslimahs right now are all like, wait a second, of course you're not having sex with these men! You're Muslim, we've gone over this, you seem (semi-)dedicated to the deen and Ramadan is less than a week away. Are you even alone with these guys? Shaytan is the third!

Yes, I know...I'm just putting that out there...

If you can tell, I don't like using the term virginity. I'd like to prefer that the word didn't exist. I've disliked it since I was 15 years old. I feel like there's too much BS attached to it, too many false expectations, too much patronizing and too many antiquated ideas linked to it to use it.

And calling myself a virgin sounds dirty, sounds like I'm something to be exploited, sounds like I have something to give up.

It's overall a construction I dislike.

Anyway...

Most of my female friends in medical school are waiting until marriage to have sex (or waited...some of them are married). One of my friends in particular intended to not even kiss her then-fiance before marriage, or share any intimacies at all...

Haha, the kissing part, she did not succeed in doing. The rest, she actually avoided until she was married.

After which she was like...hmm, sex was not what I expected.

Haha, that's because she was told lies about the wedding night...like, it'll be more special if you wait, so she was expecting to fly amongst the clouds John Legend style...

"Ooooh, it feels so crazy. Owwww, this love is blazin'..."

I love that song, by the way.

She's really into me waiting until marriage. When I was dating B, she begged me to please, please wait. This was before she was married. I wonder what stock she has in it.

In fact, I was going to talk to her and see what her perspective, as a Christian woman, is.

Because honestly, I don't value beign a "virgin" at marriage as much as I value marrying a good man. Not saying I'd sacrifice the former for the latter, but I don't see virginity at marriage itself as the key to a successful marriage or even more security of Jannah. Chastity is important on several levels, yes, but say a woman has had sex before in life but she decides to wait with her next relationship until marriage. I don't see that as any less valuable.

Because you can be a virgin and end up marrying someone who wastes your time, get divorced and now you are not a virgin.

So what am I getting at?

I think, in the end, people attach meanings to waiting until marriage that are unnecessary, untrue and ultimately misleading. Am I saving sex for marriage? Insha'Allah. But it's not because I'm expecting it to be better, or more special as someone who has never had sex before. It's because sex is so important to me that I want it only to take place in a protected environment, and that protected environment can only be marriage, which is the only relationship between an unrelated man and woman recognized by God.

Without that paradigm, I feel naked, haha...pun intended.

No, it's not glamorous. As my friend's relatives told her the day of her wedding, don't be surprised if you are disappointed, be prepared for it to hurt, and if the guy also doesn't have any experience, expect that mess to last all of 5 minutes. And it'll take a while for it all to come together.

But I'm not going to be mad at people who wait for those reasons. It's like, whatever gets you there. For me, for a while, it was easy to avoid all questionable contacts with men. It's harder when you call yourself in a relationship with a man...they try to be sneaky, but since I'm home schooled in street smarts, I know most all the lines.

I do appreciate the ability of going into a marriage with a clean slate, not having the memory of random, undeserving men floating around your marriage bed. I appreciate not having baggage otherwise.

Now, I just have to have faith that Allah (swt) desires marriage for all of us, and that even in these times, it will be promised for those of us who want it. I have a hard time believing that it can work, but I have to hold out and have faith and pray yet another Ramadan for patience and strength...

But in the meantime and forever in the future, please do not congratulate me on being able to wait until marriage. Congratulate me instead on being able marry a wonderful, God-fearing man for the sake of Allah (swt). Don't think of me as a virgin bride, think of me as a dedicated Muslimah who struggled through life to stick to her standards and marry someone who is a worthy life partner, and congratulate the two of us on beginning our lives together and growing in our understanding of our Creator.

Congratulate us on finding each other and making it work in these times when it's so hard to find someone with similar values.

Because while sex is definitely important, it's significance is often distorted, and I think some of that has to do with what people tell themselves to justify waiting until marriage to have sex.

I also think that people need to approach marriage with a greater sense of duty and less of a sense of marriage as a source of happiness, because I think the latter encourages people to go out and look for that happiness elsewhere during the hard times of marriage, like cheating.

Marriage is protection, protection that is there whether we waited until marriage or not.

May Allah (swt) forgive us our transgressions in the course of this life!