Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I Never Existed Again, the Prequel

Salaam,

I was just going through a journal of mine from when I was 19 years old and read a paragraph that really exemplified the whole "I never existed again" thing, 4 years before I would hear the Djavan song that would give meaning to the feeling I had. And this was only the beginning of me feeling this way. I had not known MQ for a year yet, and I was already falling into the obsession circuit in my brain.

Anything in brackets are edits I've made in retrospect. This was written in January, 2004. Emphasis, with the bold, was also added by me later.


I think it was last Thursday, so Thursday, January 6. It was the first time I had my Spanish class with Sra. Highfill (and wow, I just suddenly had déjà vu with her and her class…like I’d been there before or something).  Anyway, a girl came in named Sarwat.  I had seen her on thefacebook before, back when I was looking up stuff on Azmat…who didn’t end up pairing up with [MQ] at all.  It was just me being silly…again.


Anyway, Sarwat came in, and for whatever reason, I just thought of [MQ] whenever I looked at her.  Okay, it was obvious why I did…I was thinking about the whole culture thing, and if, for him to ever really consider me, that’s what I would have to be…Desi, Pakistani, whatever…and I never would be…well, obviously.  But yes, I thought about that, and then I started thinking back to him, and all the silly little conversations we had… And that progressed, until I thought about him all day.  And then that kid who’s in my Biochemistry discussion and apparently living in South Quad, Ajay…he reminded me of him, too.  And I would see back of heads [around me in class], and I would get startled when [those backs of heads] looked slightly like [his], and almost wanted to close my eyes and run away in case the head turned around and it was him…

It was something like that, not so eloquently.  And I realized at the end of the day that the whole thing was ridiculous.  I hadn’t seen him since November, and now it’s January, and I hadn’t really spoken to him since we did in the summer, and that was kind of shitty in itself, and I was still nervous to come anywhere close to him, even if it was second hand through his friend Sarwat, who never mentioned him...

[...] as she looked at me as I pronounced my name [for the professor in class], I’d wondered if perhaps she’d heard that name before…and for what reason she would have heard it. [Maybe she'd heard about this girl from him, this girl that was obsessed with him].  Or if it was from the back of random people’s heads that kind of looked like his…I just realized it was getting out of hand, and that I’d spent more time that day thinking of him than thinking of anything that had to do with me.

And I started to wonder how much of myself I had lost in the process of being in love with him.  Yes, I may not have ever gotten him, but I was in love with him, and I wanted him, and I thought that if we worked together, I could marry him…all of that foolishness.  But I wondered how much of myself I lost.  I thought I was losing my personality by being so stuck on him…  But maybe that wasn’t the case at all.  Maybe, in the beginning of this whole ordeal, I didn’t have that much personality to begin with.  Not as much as I thought I had.


This was remarkable for me to read. In that last paragraph especially, it's like I couldn't even remember who I had been before there was him. I go on to write about how my first journal entry began with me musing about the my teenaged crush, Corey, and I wondered how many legitimate thoughts had I had that were not about some male.

Another (perhaps) remarkable thing is that my writing hasn't changed so very much in the last 11 years. I'd like to think I'm a slightly better writer now, and definitely the content is more mature now, but oh well.

I'm, in general, stunned by how naïve I was...11 years is a lot. I ended this entry thinking about taking out loans to take an MCAT class. That's how long ago that was. That was a more than 4 years of medical school, 1 year of public health school and 3 years of residency ago. Wow!

And it's also incredible how you can lose yourself in someone who in the end has nothing to do with you...

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Reclaiming Myself

As salaam alaikum,

Happy New Gregorian Calendar Year!

It feels silly to say it now because this year barely felt like a new year, except that it is the first year that I am not sharing a realm with my grandfather. I heard the song that I heard years ago upon waking from a nightmare to daytime in my grandparents' home and I cried because one of the comforting elements of waking up in that environment was gone.

It's also silly because it is 26 days into the month of January, and life has gone on, much as before. It's almost the month of my birth. I turn 30 this year.

I don't have any specific New Years' resolutions, more like continuations of the goals I've had in the months prior to the New Year. But one of the major things that it happening this year, insha'Allah, is that I'll be graduating from residency. And for the first time ever, I'm not tacking on an extra thing, so no fellowship. I am graduating, taking 3 months off, iA, then I'm going to start working in an FQHC (federally qualified health center). All insha'Allah. So soon enough, I will no longer be a resident. And soon enough, I will have time to write as I have not had for some time. I have posted minimally during residency, and it is not for lack of topics.

My life has also been very active, not only in terms of residency training, but in terms of relationship and family stuff. And out of respect for my father and my SO, I keep the discussion of most of the themes of that outside of my blog. So that makes for...not as much to talk about, publicly, at least.

On the other hand, it makes a lot to think about on my own side of things.

So this year, probably not until after June, iA, I plan to revamp this blog, to post more, to be more reflective on residency (that has been challenging, and not just in subject matter), relationships and my life in Islam. For now, I will only be able to deposit little nuggets here and there.

In the meantime, I'm ready for the year of 2015, thirty years after my birth (wow) to get up on out of here!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Black vs. African: "Race Consciousness"

Salaam,

Black vs. African. There is no versus in me because I am both. I am black American and I am Nigerian American. I am all American, all black, and half Nigerian.

So when I am reminded of the tension between black people and first generation African immigrants, or the imagined tension between the two groups, it feels especially arbitrary to me. But I must respect that it is very real for those so impassioned and involved in our difference from our recent immigrant cousins, so to speak.

I say that the tension is imagined because I do not see the tension play out in real time. As a teenaged Nigerian-black-American girl, a few of my (black) friends felt it appropriate to get the scoop on why Africans thought they were better than black people. I can't remember exactly how I answered, but I should have said, "Well, I don't know. You should ask an African."

And how many times, in west African families (the only group I can poorly speak to), are all the hushed assumptions about black American people spoken out loud, those that lead mothers and sisters to decry their sons and brothers ending up with black American women, for example? And how many times have these women actually met the very people they have decried and confronted them about these perceived inadequacies?

Real tensions are lived out in heated discussions and shouting matches, African immigrant on one side accusing black American of being, whatever, lazy, violent, thuggish, and black American saying, ah-hah! I knew you felt this way about me! Now let me tell you why you're ignorant to the legacy of institutionalized racism...

I am not yet aware of this happening, but I'm hopeful a civil version of this gets played out in campuses across the country.

Because that's the only way imaged tensions turned real tensions can devolve.




And as I felt my friend back in high school unfairly placed me in the center of this unfortunate contention, I also refuse to place myself in the middle of it. I by far do not have the authority to lie bare the root of the tensions between African immigrants and black Americans. I don't think any one does, not another mixed person, maybe a scholar on the subject, and definitely not me.

In my family, the only black vs. African tension that existed was any sexual tension that existed in my parents prior to the realization of their relationship, but that is long gone 30 years into marriage.

And as the Nigerian daughter of a black American woman, maybe I wasn't privy to what our Nigerian family friends said behind closed doors about black people because they knew my mother was black. And maybe no one in my circles really meditated about the state of black Americans and that's why I didn't hear it.

So I cannot really confirm or deny the tension. But as a very black Nigerian American woman, I can say the following things with certainty:

--Africans are not better than black Americans by any measure, any more than any group of people is better than another.
--As black Americans, we must understand that the context in which race exists in our country does not exist in the same way outside of this country and in many places does not exist at all. Neither does our consciousness about it.
--As African immigrants and second generationers, we must make an effort to understand the history of institutionalized slavery and racism and the resultant Civil Rights Movement that is responsible for allowing us or our parents to immigrate into this country in the first place.
--All of us need to make an effort to know each other before dismissing each other on the basis of long-held reputation or rumor.

When I was little, my mother used to remark that Africans, particularly our Nigerian friends, could move into all-white neighborhoods and not blink. And often, their children would fare just fine as the only black children in the schools. Not so for this second generationer who's looking at the prospect of moving into the mainly-white suburb that my SO lives in. What changed with one generation? Race consciousness.

Being aware of my blackness, or what I think it means to be black in America, makes me fear that I'll encounter people who feel I don't belong in their suburb. It'll make me feel out of place. The majority of immigrants do not carry race and racial oppression on their bodies like many Americans do. My father would have felt comfortable in my SO's suburb and probably would have liked the weather better than the first place he lived when he came to this country, the upper peninsula of Michigan.

I didn't hear my father speaking the language of race consciousness until a friend of his, also Nigerian, experienced racism in the workplace. It was as if it became real for my father at that moment. Because the whole, "You're not like other black people," or, "I don't consider you really black" thing that a lot of us first- and second-generationers get isn't full-proof and it's far from universal.

We black people are not imaging things. Racism is real. It's a real force that is external and very much internal. It incorporates itself often in the nay-saying voice that all people have that we are variably able to silence. We have to fight off that negative self-talk that convinces us that our shortcomings are racially based and that we are inferior, somehow, because it's been said and implied so long.

Yes, internal. We internalize it because we consume it. It is spoon fed to us as children as soon as we learn we used to be slaves, that we used to be absolutely unequal, that we used to have separate everything, like we were dirty, like the brown of our skin was tainted and would rub off on others.
Nigerian children, for example, do not learn this about themselves.

Even when we are taught that it was wrong, of course, (though that was not necessarily implicit in the teachings I got about slavery, even in the North), it makes us fearful. Do racists still exist?


We internalize it when we, black kids in a poor school district, have test grades that are compared to the richer, whiter school districts. We internalize it when our test scores are lower than our white friends at the same class level. Was some of that true?

As a Nigerian American black girl, I was not immune to this internalization. My father had no context for it and always harkened back to his, "Do the other students have two heads?" to motivate me. I pushed through intense feelings of inadequacy.

My father's experience as one of the only black people in his science classes at the University of Michigan was, therefore, very different than my experience as one of the only black people in my science classes at the University of Michigan.




Internalized racism is the most damning form of racism there is. It makes us hyper aware of our racial difference and makes us move differently in space, to only our own detriment. It made my teenaged friend believe that Africans think they're better than us. And how did that make him feel? Alienated from a group of people who looked like him but where just another group in the list that thought they were better than him, and maybe actually were.

Whereas...I've never encountered an African immigrant who asked me if black people consider them stuck-up, ignorant and other.

Internalized racism makes us wonder if that neighbor in the all-white suburb glancing at us is racist and if they're wondering how a black woman could afford to live in this neighborhood, whereas someone else may not even notice the glance.

Internalized racism makes us wonder if the boss has been waiting for you to screw up because he was convinced that you didn't belong in the company as a black person and expected you to fail, whereas someone else may not have that tension.

Internalized racism puts us constantly in the defensive because so many people could potentially be against us at any time because of our culture and heritage and we have to be prepared, whereas that is not a reality for so many other people.

Internalized racism is confused to be race consciousness in so many of us.

Let me not run to the subway, because people get scared when they see a black man running toward them.


In summary, ruminations on what African immigrants think of us, black people, comes from a place of internalized racism, because as my father says, "Is that what you're going to eat?" No, it's not. If they do think they're better than us, screw them! Seriously.

Easier said than done, right? It hurts for someone who looks like you, who may share ancestry with you, to also be down on you like everyone else is. So first- and second-generationers, recognize that and respect it.

And African immigrants and second-gens, institutionalized racism was no joke! We will at some point feel the effects of it while in this country. It will be very hard for you to protect your children from it. So recognize and befriend your black neighbor who has come up with ways to teach his child to respond to it, recognize it in themselves and repel it.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Depression is...

As salaam alaikum,

I cannot survive without writing. Writing has become such a big part of my life, that even though I'm going to have to get up in less than 7 hours to finish clinic notes from today, darnit, I'm going to write! If I don't write before I go to sleep tonight, I'm going to explode!

And sometimes, that's what self-care during residency means. Exchanging sleep for doing something that will make your soul make sense.

Speaking of one's soul making sense...I, just a few seconds ago, over the course of several hours, whipped myself into a frenzy of sorts. I've done a lot of reflection about my place in religion, my place in Islam, my place with God, all of these things. This, in addition to facing a patient today who recently had suicidal ideation and a plan, got me feeling pretty depressed.

Soon, everything around me was depressing.

The fact that I had a patient who was 25 and a parent already while I'm 29 and single was depressing.

The fact that my best friend from med school is pregnant with her first child and I'm 29 and single, perhaps indefinitely, was depressing.

The fact that my younger cousin is enjoying the first few weeks of motherhood whereas I remember her being the age of her daughter and I feel no closer to motherhood than I was when I was her age was depressing.

The fact that over half of my friends from medical school are married and have already had their first child and I may never get married and or by the time I do I may be infertile was depressing.

The fact that I am overweight and currently hairy was depressing. No one would ever want me, and my SO would realize that and leave me, and that was also depressing.

Then I talked to my SO about God, a topic he shies away from with me because I usually have heavy thoughts. I talked to him with how my patient rationalized her severe reaction to the death in her family with God's plan and about how I realized that I've never been comfortable with God's plan. Not God's plan itself but the term, the simplified concept. I realized that it's always depressed me when it's suppose to be a source of comfort. He was not ready for this conversation at nearly 10pm at night, so I hung up the phone and brooded on my own.

And then I had an epiphany that brought me up from the depths of my self-constructed depressive episode.

For me, depression is believing that God has no plan for you, or that God's plan is for you to fail. In Qur'anic terms, that you are one of the ones who God is hardening your heart to prepare you for hellfire, and there is nothing you can do about it, because it's God's will.

This was the source of my depression when I was a teenager, and I hadn't felt that way in a long time. I don't believe it now, but I got a whiff of it as I found myself sinking deeper into my self-made funk.

That is the root of depression for me. Those times when I feel so remote from God that I begin to doubt the purpose of my existence...those are hard times.

And that is how my patient felt when she wanted to shoot herself.

And that is how I felt as an adolescent.

And that's how I would continue to feel if I didn't take a break from sleeping this evening and keep vigil by my laptop and write things out.

Depression for me is doubt in my purposeful existence. My only remedy, then, is belief.


Sunday, February 16, 2014

Hypomanic Birthday

Salaam,

Last week, I worked for 76 hours. I haven't worked that much since I was an intern (God bless R2 year!). Yesterday alone, I worked from 6:30am to nearly 11pm. I had a video to make for my former boss (long story short) and I had to fry chicken for our weekly Friday potluck, so I got up yesterday at 4:30am. I went to bed yesterday just before midnight, I think. And then I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep and began digging into old projects.

For example, my dream would be to do a rotation in Family Medicine of some sort in Brazil, São Paulo or in Salvador if possible. I reopened my A Capella project in which I'm producing an arrangement of "What You Won't Do For Love." I was up, scrambling around my apartment looking for the notebook in which I sketched out the bass line and was immediately intimidated by the amount of work I put into this project months ago and realized that it wasn't the best project to resume at 5am.

And I don't know where I would start in trying to find contacts in Brazil in Family Medicine. Actually, I do know...I emailed a physician who I was connected with who worked in public health in São Paulo who I hadn't spoken with in almost 6 years.

Happy 29th birthday to me! Feburary 15!

That was my yesterday. I think I've finally chilled out.

I usually look at my birthday as a new year of sorts. Actually, my birthday feels more like new years than the actual advent of the new year on the Gregorian calendar does. I think my call day sent me into a temporary hypomania from which I came down slowly.

This year also totally did not feel like the beginning of a new year. I think I was too busy to have an intention-filled, mindful birthday. But that doesn't mean I don't have goals for my 29th year.

Realizations I've made in the last year, being 28 years old:

(1) I never got used to being 28. It was the most I've worked in my life and I rarely thought of how old I was. I had to think when people asked me how old I was. It seems like I was 27 longer than I was 28.

(2) 28 was a challenging year but I think it's the happiest year I've had in a while. Residency surely gave me enough stress but I think I was the healthiest I've been in a while from a mental health standpoint this past year.

(3) Prayer changes things. Immediately, sometimes! I shall never abandon it, as God has never abandoned me, even when I consider myself worthy of abandoning.

So, with that, goals for my 29th year:

-- To eat more mindfully.
-- To make more space in my life for gratitude, in prayer and in my relationships.
-- To move forward in my own personal Islam that has been in the making for the last few years.
-- To dance samba!
-- To get in the shape of my life.
-- To up my running game!
-- To write with abandon like I used to, now that I have more to write about.
-- To read more, because there's so many things I've always wanted to know more about.
-- To spend more time with friends.
-- To be more honest with myself and others about my personal values and goals.

I think that'll do it. That's a hefty enough list to tackle in one year's time.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Voracious

As salaam alaikum,

For some reason in my late 20s...or, let me be real, like, now...I've become a voracious reader. I don't know what spurred the change. I went from coming home after a long day at the hospital and wanting nothing more than watching a couple of episodes of Daily Show or Colbert report or whatever random show that I follow on the internet, and then I'd go to sleep blissfully unaware of the world around me.

I think sometime between fourth year and the start of residency, I started reading more.

From the likes of The Atlantic and The New Yorker to just plain news stories. From sites like AltMuslimah to CurlyNikki. From my favorite bloggers to articles about my favorite authors. From best-sellers and their books status post successful TED talks to books I heard about years ago and am just now getting to.

I'm currently reading three or four books at a time right now...slowly because my current schedule affords me about three hours between work and sleep to eat, bathe, catch up with family, friends and SO...and read.

But in addition to those three or four books (and another that's pre-ordered for my Kindle, just waiting for me to tear into it), I have several tabs open with articles and stories I want to read that I will get to, insha'Allah, just given enough time.

Just like I was "a girl too late" at 19 when I fell in love with MTQ, I'm a sudden voracious reader. And I never have been, perhaps paradoxically.


I've heard all my life that good writers must, as a rule and perhaps by second nature, read a ton. Like, really, read everything they get their hands on...and like it. My mother is a great writer and she was a voracious reader until the stresses of being Sandwich Generation caught up with her and both have simmered into almost nothing. But she was my inspiration. I wanted to be like her.

I was an early reader and by age group a strong reader but I was not the strongest reader. My mother read aloud with me and helped me with some of the things I struggled with. I would often miss words that were critical to comprehension of the sentence, sometimes because I was rushing. I specifically remember thinking it was a big deal to be able to read several sentences, maybe even a paragraph, without mistakenly mispronouncing a word or stumbling in the sentence. In fact, I don't think this was a skill I truly obtained until after college, after poor and informal speech training. I remember feeling such satisfaction at being able to read without "messing up."

And I'm one of those people who, for years, read aloud in my head. I did so in both English and Spanish. Somewhere between medical school and now, I no longer do that. It's so weird that I hardly remember what it was like to read aloud in my head. I think I still do sometimes, especially when I'm the one who's writing. But I think years of being a medical student and frantically more-than-skimming articles in a short time where I was expected to know the answer in a detailed enough way but get this information in a limited time did the trick, and shifted into my pleasure reading as well.

But on top of all of these things...I don't know, I never got the pleasure of reading that my mother described. She talked about hiding herself in her 12-person, 2 bedroom household and reading anything and everything she could get her hands on. Because of my mother, I read The Secret Garden and A Wrinkle in Time. On my own, as a 10-year-old, I read Roots. I read the Jurrasic Park trilogy with much gusto after having seen the movies, opining that the books were better, but by the time I was 12, I was writing maybe three or four stories at a time, and reading mainly what was required for school.

I didn't rush home to read my latest find from the library or get excited about books that I wanted to read next. I got very excited about characters I wanted to come to life, stories I wanted to put on paper, scenes that I laughed about in my head for days that were even greater than...once I got them on paper.

But a good writer must read a lot, or at least sufficiently to be a good writer.

I didn't want all of those story ideas and characters to go to crap because I was a bad writer because I didn't read enough.

And honestly, that's what drove me to read from high school until I'd say the end of medical school. I never really read something because it was interesting...it was more because I should. That classic that we didn't get to in my high school Humanities course? Must read. That new book by that black author that has crossover appeal? Must read. Things Fall Apart. Not only have you not been to Nigeria ever but it took you how long to read that?

And so on.

So it surprises me to be quite satisfied with not starting a new writing project and having three books that I want to read, a little heavier on the non-fiction than the fiction.

What happened?

I'm changing.



That's right, I'm changing. I'm becoming no longer the person I used to be. I think it's called growth.

I'm expanding. My world has been branching out and tending toward entropy and I'm all spread out now. I'm no longer running to catch up with should and I finally am. When you're no longer chasing should and just are, you have more time to observe the world around you. I'm more curious. I'm more inquisitive. I'm more wanting to understand things that I left behind because I didn't have time to learn about it, was on to the next thing, no one asked so I didn't reveal that I didn't know.

That's happening to me in medicine. I'm going back and reading and understanding things I've only marginally understood for too long, in part because I realize that I'll need to know it at critical points when no one will be there to explain it. It's also because of actual interest, knowing that I'll face similar situations someday and being more confident in my own mental reserves.

Similarly, on the outside, in my everyday life, I've have allowed myself to be long enough to want to know more about everything. And while I blame some of my lack of reading for being born in front of a television, essentially, and half of my childhood memories being television shows, and half of my story ideas being inspired by television and movies...I find myself seeking information. Non-fiction...I wanted to learn more about The Great Migration, more about the female sexual experience, more about resilience training for physicians. More about education for kiddos with special needs and not leaving these kids behind. More about discipline and children in the 21st century. More about the origins of Islamic Jurisprudence. More about writing novels.

I find myself searching for stories. Not because I should, but because...sometimes there's no better way to learn about and identify with love than reading a fiction piece. Learn what it means for someone else to be a black women though their fiction. Learn about aspirations and predilections...through fiction.

The more I've lived, I think, and the more I allow myself to live now instead of chasing should, my interests expand beyond should and the more I seek. The more I read.

Because while documentaries I argue are still ideal for the likes of music genres, record labels and recording artists, there's so much more that can be said about slavery and non-existent reconstruction, about race in Latin America...than can fit into a documentary. In that case, I don't need a soundtrack. I'm there with a book.



...granted, the writer in me rarely lets me read a book for more than 10 pages before I'm compelled to write a 10 page reflection of my own about one sentence, sometimes one word that's said. When I was a college student, this would happen all the time. I got the reading done, always, but...I've always been a slower reader...

And maybe I still read slow. But I'm no longer concerned that I should read fast.

And here I am.

...I'm also rereading RMD and enjoying it. Insha'Allah, I'm going to edit it one more time and send it out...one of these days.


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

All of My Stuff, Revisted

As salaam alaikum,

I was suddenly reminded of this poem from For Colored Girls when talking to a friend a few days ago. I looked for the entry about a year ago when I quoted it, and I read it, closed my eyes and remembered where I was, and thanked God how far I have come.

Here's the excerpt I then most identified with:

somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff
& i waz standin
 there
lookin at myself
the whole time 
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff
waz a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow
waz a man faster
n my innocenc


waz a lover
i made too much 
room for
almost run off wit alla my stuff
& i didnt know i’d give it up so quik
& the one runnin wit it

don’t know he got it
& i’m shoutin this is mine
& he dont 
know he got it
my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year
did you know somebody almost got away wit me
me in a plastic bag under their arm
me 
danglin on a string of personal carelessness...

At the time, I know I didn't feel as if I had recovered everything back yet. I said it, hoping to claim it, but there was still desperation in my words. Why are we women like this, I wondered.


One year after I wrote that first entry, he has nothing of mine. Not a strand of my hair nor my taste in his mouth. My body and my spirit are all my own, all my own stuff that God gave me and I'm not letting anyone take it away anymore, not under their arm, stuck to the sole of their shoe or tucked in their butt crack.


And it's a very liberating thing to realize, in the midst of what had been angst and longing for the day where I wouldn't hurt...to not be hurting.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Relating

As salaam alaikum,

This is adapted from a letter I wrote to some of my closest cousins.

Relating to another person has made me realize how much I lived within myself, or at the very least in my own discrete, alternate reality. The longer you live there, the harder it is to get out, the harder it is to convince yourself that anyone but someone who fits into that reality will work out.

I lived in a world informed by 60s-90s soul music, musica popular brasileira and post-bop jazz. I lived to the beat of samba and New Jack Swing. I lived in a world where the way that I thought was the essential reality and everything outside was complementary at best, extraneous at worst.

Relating to someone who won't automatically understand why I sometimes utter the lyrics, "A gente quer ter voz ativa, no nosso destino mandar, mas eis que chega a roda viva, e carrega o destino pra la..." is a given. I've lived by myself, in myself for so long, so much of me only makes sense to me. So much of me is garbled and nearly unintelligible. So much of me related to watching the play "Turandot," and hearing Turandot utter that she was a daughter of Heaven and there her soul resided, just to be reminded by her aspiring lover that her soul may be in Heaven but her body was right there with him.

It's not that I bethought myself a daughter of Heaven or thought that my soul transcended this earth. It's that...while my spirit is not as easily accessible, my body is very accessible.

I'd been waiting for a man to relate to my spirit, which I fretted would never happen because it would seem so hard to do. What would a man do with a waxing-and-waning practicing Muslim woman who belts out to Stevie and Elis and cries at the end of Black Orpheus with tears of joy as the children dance after the death of Orpheus and Eurydice?

And I didn't realize, he doesn't have to.

He doesn't have to dig deep or travel far to access my soul. My body's here with him. My soul remains my own.

So I'll still believe that "We want to have an active voice, command in our own destiny, but along comes the wheel of life and carries destiny far away..." and listen to the very 60s style song by Chico Buarque by myself, in my car, blasting it down the highway and be content that no one else understands why I love that song so much.

And he doesn't have to.

And for the first time, that's okay.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

American Gender, Part I

As salaam alaikum,

A bit before I graduated from high school, three of my closest friends suggested that I write short stories for them, since I had established myself as an aspiring writer. I didn't get farther than brainstorming one of the stories, one that I would dedicate to my best friend. It was the closest thing to fantasy that I've ever dreamed up. The story took place in a post-apocalyptic world in which nations no longer existed and singular, small communities were their own nations, warring nations that fought themselves into carnage and nonexistence. Young men, and a few young women, zealously auditioned to join militias and take to the battlefront. Select nations triumphed over the rest, and most of the young men of these nations hungered to join these militias, though it was more competitive.

The protagonists of the story were the futuristic descendants of my best friend and I who just happened to be, through the randomness of genetics, remarkably like their ancestors. My friend's character, who I'll call A, tried out repeatedly for her nation's militia, but repeatedly failed elements of the test because of her size. Short and petite, though enthusiastic skilled in other ways, she was not a contender. My character, who I'll call C, is A's childhood friend. She is a member of one of the numerous peaceful, nomadic societies of primarily women and some of their children who flee battles, care for the wounded and try to salvage vestiges of the previous society as they travel. She supports A in her quests to join her former nation's militia, while she otherwise contentiously objects to the wars.

C is the leader of her society of young women and few children. They wear long dresses, cloaks and scarves to protect them from the elements, depending on the season. Their shoes are worn because of their long journeys and the fact that their clothing is made up of whatever is salvaged along the way. Many of the women in the societies are courted by men from nearby nations, since many women in the nation have either had been killed or fled long ago. Courted instead of simply being overtaken because the women in the society defend themselves fiercely, and women in the nations stand up for them as well. Besides, for the sake of the nations, there is no time to expend energies on anything but the rival nations.

The story opens and C is being courted by a man she's actually quite interested in, though he is the leader of one of the nearby nation's militias. C denies it but has circled her society precariously around the outskirts of this up-and-coming nation, that is not yet in the ranks of the victorious nations that triumph over all and has encountered many casualties. Though their meetings often end with them disagreeing about the means to the end of establishing themselves anew in the world, she comes to love this man, though she is conflicted about leaving her sisters in peace to join, again, a nation, supporting their means.

One day, when A returns, dejected once again about being rejected from the militia, C, in spite of herself, suggests the militia of the man she's been seeing, that is rag-tag but in need. A, excited because she's heard rumblings about this nation, though torn about abandoning her allegiance to her former nation, agrees to meet up with this militia man...



I told my friend about this story after she came out to me about a year later. She asked whether her sexual orientation influenced her character at all, and I told her no, and it was true. "A" was just a reflection of how I understood my friend's expression of her gender, even though she still had long hair and wore "more feminine" clothes at the time. I saw her as a little warrior who was often thwarted at 5'2" and less than 100 pounds, who was often thwarted because of her own self-deprecation, her lack of self-esteem, the memory of past failures, but when she overcame that, she was a beast on the inside, full of vigor, enthusiasm, the ingenuity to make her skills work, to compensate for her shortcomings. She was driven, and when she was, she was fearless. I could tell she didn't want what the other girls wanted. She never got caught up in boys like the rest of us did. And that's why A was like she was.

And C was like she was because C was me. I am a pacifist. I do not believe in the necessity of war and I believe sports came into existence to extinguish the desire within men and some women to kill each other, and keep them occupied in a safe competitive spirit, for example. In a post-apocalyptic world, I would definitely not fight in any battle of dubious import and significance.

We were just two variations of the many possible that I perceived in the female gender spectrum, independent of any notions of sexual orienation. My friend is the passionate warrior, and I was the compassionate pacifist. In the story, neither one of us is judged as more female than the other, more woman than the other. Our concerns were just...different.

Thus was one of my earlier manifestations of the conglomeration of ideas that resulted in my perception of gender. From observing my parents and grandparents, to things my mother directly taught me, to television shows and girls and boys, men and women I met along the course of life, along with my own personal inclinations, these all led me to express my gender as I do now.

This is my American gender.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Land of Fiction

As salaam alaikum,

Auggghh, times like these, I regret that so much of my livelihood in this world relies on other people's physical and emotional presence. I knew it once as a kid and I've always known it...things would be better off if I didn't need anyone. So in times like this, when I'm sitting in an empty apartment, packing my stuff, wondering what to do next, my mind doesn't wander to the ex who was unsatisfied with me and gladly left without looking back even though I bent myself over backwards to make sure he was comfortable and the friend who I've spent hours over the past year and change trying to help understand her own disaster-waiting-to-happen "friendship" just to be ditched the last week we had together so she can reflect about what it means to be without him now.

Exhale.

Now, I'm just waiting for when I know my mother is going to be available and I will try not to think about her mortality while I do so! She's all I've got.

God can everything, but God will not many times. I submit myself to God, but God will not be the physical agent of my needs. He places people in our lives as one of His choice agents for fulfilling needs that we have in our present state. He can say be and it is, but when something isn't, you don't really ever know why except that He will not. He doesn't will it.

So, what do I do in the meantime? Ooh, that reminds me, I'm doing my last loads of laundry in my apartment... I pack, I jam to my own music, I sing by myself...and I lie here (the bed is my last piece of furniture, not leaning against the wall so the most comfortable position is to lie down, hehe) and travel to my fiction world(s)...

In the land of fiction, I have control. I know what's going to happen in the lives of all of my characters, and the only surprises are my changes of heart. There are always so many stories to live, to write, to create... It gives me something to do instead of grow anxious as I wait for the course of my life to materialize, because I know it's in God's hands and I'm actively doing all I think I can to change my situation. I've gone years and months wondering if I'll marry, and months and years without having any clue, any inkling, any hint, despite praying. It's either something I won't have or something I won't know. I don't know.

But I know exactly what's going to happen to Lena Reynolds in "Brand New Shoes" (see my last entry). Lena is good to her word, and so is Stanley about keeping their relationship professional. Lena has no illusions of any future between them, as she loves the firm and hopes to stay on after she's done with her internship. Stanley, however he tries to temper it, is still in love with her. At the end of the story, though, Lena is introduced to Charles (I think that's his name) Murré, the grandson of the woman who babysits Lena's daughter, Antonia, while Lena is at work.

"Brand New Shoes" was going to be part of a series. In the second part, Lena and Charles get married. She has since completed her internship and continues to work at the firm. In the third part, Lena is pregnant with her third child, her second with Charles.

What happens to Stanley? I haven't decided yet. I know that in part two, he's still single...can't decide what will happen in part three...

And as I was thinking about that and typing it all, my apartment disappeared, and so did time. It didn't matter that I'm alone in an echoing, empty apartment. I was there, imaging that I was looking into the lives of Stanley and Lena, Lena and Charles, Antonia and Rachel (Lena and Stanley's daughters, respectively). I saw Lena as she talked about her wedding preparations as she left for lunch with colleagues while exchanging a knowing but brief glance with Stanley as they crossed each others' paths in the building. I see Stanley hesitate as his phone rings, knowing that it's the woman he went out last night that he's not that into, but that he knew all along was more into him. I see Lena balancing her three-year-old daughter on her hip as she realizes she's got something burning on the stove, and hands the girl over to 16-year-old Antonia so she can attend to the stove. I see Stanley confiding in someone like he's never been able to confide in someone before, perhaps his future...?

Ahh, my former roommate just stopped in. Human contact at last! Well, time to be moderately productive and pack some more...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Writing Relationships

As salaam alaikum,

Ever since my mother alerted me to the fact that Amazon prime provides free streaming (well, nothing's really free, now, is it?) of certain shows and movies, I've found a whole new way to waste time now that I'm on a Brazilian novela fast. And this is awesome. Well...some of the shows I want to see are not free streaming, but there are others that are.

For example, Daria.

Ever since my novela has been running out, I've been making my way through the seasons. I'm up to season 4, which is one of my personal favorites because it's the season where Daria and her best friend Jane's boyfriend, Tom, start noticing and liking each other. I love that a few of the episodes of the show are so masterfully done...in season 3, I like how Daria gets over Trent and how Trent apologizes for their not being compatible, and...aff, my few line descriptions can't do justice to how artful I think the writing for this show and those moments was.

But I especially love the Daria and Tom tension. I just watched this one episode where it began to unfold, and I forgot it was going to be this episode, and I was...enchanted...

I hate romantic comedies because the sentiment is often vapid and sentimental love is overdone. But I love when relationships are written right.

It's not often and always done...you usually have to find more indie sources for that. Your Hollywood and otherwise mainstream will likely miss it. #hipster

(And I'm so hipster, secretly, I'm boiling on the inside that the famed hashtag has replaced html close tags as a snarky way to classify commentary...because I will never be on Twitter because I cannot be contained to a few characters, nor do I want to follow anyone... That makes me feel better, although I realize I may have lost some of you in the nerdiness...)

So when I can't read the relationships I love...and Lord knows most of the time, I'm not living them...I have to write them, instead.

I love writing relationships! Since I was a kid, they were always the favorite part of each of my stories...the evolving relationships. It's funny--one may argue that, as a 10-year-old, I would have little notion of relationship dynamics...but that didn't stop me from writing them!

I don't know, relationships written right and the relationships I write...give me that bubbly spring feeling in my gut. It excites me! It's like the feeling of someone about to complete a circuit. I like to observe relationships evolve in real life, too, don't get me wrong...as well as I like to be in them...only if they work out. If not, each living moment is a waste of my time, unless it's the inspiration for another pair of characters. I'm so the writer who sometimes escapes to live in a world of her own creation and not the one outside, because the one outside...not giving me a break in the relationship department right now. Allah (swt) knows best.

I was baking chicken earlier this afternoon, speaking out dialogue for "The Misadventures of Nisa," the opening scene where 12-year-old Bobby comes over to 12-year-old Nisa's house (who he calls "Nisa, na-na-na-na-nisa" to taunt her) to tell her that he's moving with his family to the City where he's going to go to a performing arts school, and Nisa admits to him for the first time that she likes him, thus setting the backdrop for the entire piece, as Nisa dedicates her life to moving to New York in her 20s to be with Bobby again...only to forget why she was in such a rush to get to the City when she moves there 10 years later after graduating from college...

Love it!

Not all the relationships I write work out. In a story that I wrote and never finished in high school, "Brand New Shoes," Stanley Sanford, CEO at a major architectural firm in the City (always generic, unnamed cities) is attracted to Lena Reynolds, an intern at this firm...but he just met her on the street with her daughter, so he doesn't know that she's an architecture intern at the firm. He spends much of the story trying to discover the identity of this woman who crossed his path, and he finally is able to catch up with her. The while knowing that she's an intern at his company, he remains a secret admirer until he sets up a date with her. She is flattered, but recognizes how unethical their relationship would be and makes it clear that she wants no favors from him...and they mutually agree to keep professional distance for as long as she is working at the firm.

...which breaks Stanley's heart, awww...but he has enough to worry about. The hit-man who killed his ex-wife as ordered by his ex-wife's second husband is not on the lookout for his daughter (both he and Lena have 7-year-old daughters who are frenemies in dance class together).

And can you believe, I wasn't watching telenovelas then!

The relationships I write are rarely light. I think Nisa and Bobby are the lightest one I've written. Like Lena and Stanley, they sometimes don't end up together, like Andreia Graça and Gloria from my short story, "Garota." Gloria never tells Graça that she's in love with her, and contents herself, painfully, to just be her friend.

And saying anything about my characters in RMD, Desirée, Mo and Nisreen, would be giving away spoilers!

There was Azalea and Leonard in "Sisters: Body and Soul," where Leonard backed out of his relationship with Azalea when she was dealing with the stress of being the charge over her younger sisters while her mother received cancer treatments out of state and her father was away for work. Three years later, though, AZ would meet the man she would marry, who fell in love with her exactly because of the maturity and insight she gained from essentially raising her sisters, and etc.

So some of the relationships do work out! ...I haven't named this guy yet, haha. Once again, another story I started as a teenager that I never finished...shame.

I finished RMD, though...

And I also like complicated, problematic relationships. One story idea I had back at the beginning of high school, entitled, "Damn, Boy," focused on the social evolution of three friends as they transitioned from middle school to high school. Thinking they had survived the worst that middle school social hierarchy could dish out, they were wrought apart in high school, where one of the three (the subject of the damning, haha) tries out for and makes varsity football as a freshman. His best friend, another member of the three, makes the freshman team. While the new varsity team member is bummed because he knows that could mean plenty of bench time, he is suddenly overtaken by the popular clique and leaves his friends behind.

The third of the party is his other best friend (I don't remember the names of these characters), who is at first indignant at her friends' change in social status and then devastated when he meets and begins dating a girlfriend from among his new clique. What his dude friend doesn't know is that his female friend and him hooked up at smoe point during middle school--they were each other's firsts--and they swore not to tell anyone and that was something between them that they wouldn't let disrupt their friendship. Except his friend just expected that they'd be friends forever and then, eventually, when they graduated high school and grew up, they'd end up together. And this thwarted that...

The title is from her cursing her friend, haha, at the advise of her mother, to blow off steam.

Meanwhile, the varsity dude continues to do well and he is still a nice person (totally "don't hate the player, hate the game" type deal) and he's dismayed that his friendships have dissolved...



So yes, I could go on, but I love writing relationships. I like writing tension, I like writing awkward, I like writing evolution and when things don't work out. I like writing problems...

One day, Allah (swt) will bless me with the experience and the motivation to write things when they are good.

Hehehehe.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I Will Not Always Love You

As salaam alaikum,

Sisters! If you ever get caught up in a relationship that didn't work out towards marriage or in fact never was any sort of relationship at all, and you feel like you'll always love the man...it's not necessarily true! Allah (swt) can act through His agent, life, and you may come to see things very differently in time. Life circumstance may change, or you may just mature. I wrote this about MTQ almost 7 years ago to the day. I had no idea that I'd barely think of this man, 7 years later, except if talking about the anthology. I had no idea I'd rename him Sadiq and publish this story for the whole world to see. I had no idea.

If I can get over a man once loved, so can you! If I got over one once, I can do it again. And you'll come out better women on the other end, I tell you.

Same for you, too, brothers who have loved!

I found this because I suddenly remembered MQ awkwardly asking me, as we hung out at his friend's house after our first not-date, if autoimmune disease ran in my family, because it seemed to run in his. What was probably an innocent question from a premed student who wondered if autoimmune diseases ran in families turned into me wondering if he was asking as if looking at me as a potential spouse. His friend, who he probably just wanted me to get to know, turned into a chaperone so that we wouldn't spend time outside of a public place alone, and at 19 and having not really ever dated before, yeah, that was confusing.

I just remembered that...I hadn't thought about that interchange in years. Here is an entry during my sophomore year, and I believed I still loved him. This is from my personal journal:


Saturday, March 12, 2005 • I Still Love Him

            I still love him.  I know I do, because I still get that silly little feeling in my gut when I think about warm weather and my looking forward to seeing him, and my hanging on his every word, my counting on our awkward, one minute conversations.
            I know I still love him, because I saw him this Tuesday, going to his class, and he said hello.  And I said hello, and we talked as we used to.  And it left me with the same glowing feeling, and I hoped my face didn’t show it, but that maybe I transferred vibrations so that he could feel the same way too…again.
            And sometimes I just go through my journal, and look for the mention of the little moments we shared.  And I look for the place where I first liked him, back when I didn’t know I liked him, but I did.  And then when I realized that he was Muslim, and I freaked out.  And that one day in SSG that he was kind of flirty, I think…I don’t know, but I had a good time, we had a good time, just me and him…and Jessica remembers that I should remember him…
            And I just feel light…and this is probably why I am warm right now, just thinking about him, and what I thought I had with him, and what I want to share with him…everything about me, and the rest of my life…and how I want to be everything that he wants out of me, and I want to give everything he wants to need from me, and more that he would have wanted if he knew it could exist.
            And he saw me, and spoke, and it was like…old times.  I realize now that I had my hood on, so he couldn’t see my hair, as my theory was that he estranged himself after my hair changed, but no.  He first spoke to me when I didn’t have that much hair…so that must not have been it.  I don’t know what is up or down anymore, I just know that he spoke, and I knew he hadn’t written me off.  He’s studying for the MCATs, and he said he was going to kill himself, and I told him not to…and I wanted to add, “Just for me,” but I wasn’t so swift.  And I had to turn my back and grin widely.
            I still remember all of the things that he said to me.  From asking about the history of autoimmune disease in my family to saying that they didn’t teach what to say after a kiss in Organic Chemistry while watching Office.   And saying that he laughed the hardest he ever had in his life when he heard my mole day story, to telling me “Tu es mi amiga, Chinyere.”  Even though the Spanish was off.  And telling me all of the jokes…to cheer me up and make me feel better.  And knowing what I was doing, because he had read my away message…and reading my journal…
            And of course my favorite, “I’m gonna miss you, Chinyere.”  Even though he butchered my name, I wonder if he knew I was giggling because I liked him so much.
            I still love him.  I know I always will, but somehow I’m okay with that.  I think I’m fine with that because I realize that he will always be a beautiful human being to me, and I’ll always feel like I could have been something great to him, as long as he accepts…because I would.  I will love him and everything is fine, and remembering that feeling is much greater than waiting for it to return…


And the most telling part of this all is...I didn't remember most of this, I didn't remember how this felt. I take my own word for it, but I'm as moved on as they come. I'm grateful for having lived this experience for so many reasons...mostly that it helped me gain my first publication and was the muse for my first completed novel as an adult, whether I publish or not. It also taught me about characteristics I actually do want in a mate, even though they weren't really in this poor brother.

It reminded me when my ex hurt me that I had once known a greater love. It was an invigorating love that I can remember faintly and even still know, through pain, that my life is not over.

So no, I did not always love him. I do not love him. And for all other hims that will come and go within my life, without staying, except for those who pass on to the Hereafter by God's leave...I will not always love him.

And so can you!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Nem é Direito / Not Even a Right

As salaam alaikum,

O que será...que nem é direito ninguém recusar. - Chico Buarque, "O Que Será (À Flor da Pele)

(What could it be...that's not even a right for anybody to deny).

I've decided that I'm not reading the comments for articles posted about the anthology anymore. Nope. The negative comments come in two types: Islamophobe or Concerned, Ashamed Muslim Individual. Islamophobe...we all know what those are. These women are brainwashed into wearing tents and being submissive. Of course they're all terrorists. They're un-American (for US sources) or shouldn't they be stoned for what they're doing according to their religion? These are people who, of course, are missing the point and as long as they let their ignorance sustain them, they always will. They will simply look towards media sources that confirm their beliefs. Their loss, and only God knows how much of a loss it is.

The comments that pain me more, that are fewer, are the Concerned, Ashamed Muslim Individual comments. And of course there would be these comments, whenever the stories that make the headlines about the anthology are the more controversial ones, the stories of the contributors who are lesbians and those who had premarital sex. And then, they think it's a book about Muslim women committing zina and other haram. Or, some actually try to read the book, and are disgusted by those stories and fear for the upbringing of their children, that they'll become nominal Muslims like a couple of the contributors who identify more with Islam culturally than religiously.

I think the criticism of those who read the anthology and cannot handle it is fair, for sure. I'd rather those who decry it now read it and see what they think afterwards. It's so interesting how strong the repulsion can be to stories of premarital sex in particular that a Muslim would not even want the anthology in their home! Everyone has different sensibilities, and I respect that.

Why does it bother me, though? Some of these people were the very types of people I looked to when I first came into practicing Islam. I looked to other Muslims with conservative religious values as the ideal. It was their voices of condemnation, yes, and their voices of celebration of God, that formed me into the Muslimah I was my junior and senior year of college, especially, when I first donned hijab. These are the types of Muslims that I hungered for approval from...and I found that I still do.

Every review that's written about the anthology, I read it, hoping someone mentions my piece. They usually don't...it's a little bit too complicated to be succinctly summarized, I supposed, and isn't quite a headliner. The one sister who did mention it in her review on tumblr came to a conclusion that I did not agree with...that my story came to the conclusion that converts must "flirt-to-convert" in order to marry.

She made an assumption I never suggested in the story...that I wanted to convert "James." I come from a household where my father is Christian and my mother is Muslim, I mention in the beginning. Am I a convert by lineage? I've never understood this. No offense to converts, but I just find it amazing how people consider me a convert despite being raised Muslim by my mother. Anyway...no, there is no compulsion in religion, and if I started seeing a non-Muslim man, it would not to be to convert him. It would to be with him for who he is.

Astaghfirullah, I know, I know...

But anyway, I digress. I looked in the reviews, still, some validation of my Muslim identity, some mentioning of my story as a voice not often heard...but I'm wondering if my story didn't resonate with certain readers who just take my "not being Muslim enough" in my story with MQ at face value and assume it's true. It's a very interesting thing. I know from the reading that it resonated with a lot of the sisters (and brothers) who did not think that way, and that's what matters. I wish I could have gone on more of the book tour and reached out to more audiences...that was fun!

But yes, it stings to see negative reviews from Muslims who are ready to dismiss the entire project as haram because it feels like being rejected, yet again, from the Muslim community. Another reason that it stings is that they see all of the Islamophobic comments around, and they don't care.

I mean, no, I don't defend myself against Islamophobes. The few times someone came into my site with some hateful message about Muslims, I simply do not approve the comment, delete it for good, and perish the thought. But to me, if I were a self-righteous (or maybe just honest, practicing) Muslim  and I saw that most of the comments were coming from people disrespecting my faith, I would reach out in support of my sisters, though not agreeing with everything in the anthology (because, just because we contributed doesn't mean we ascribe to the beliefs of all other contributors, duh), see how I could help.

I mean, I would much rather see a comment of, "Subhan'Allah! There are so many issues in the Muslim community that we need to address, and so many women are lost, misguided and falling into haram in search for a love that is best within Islam. Let us set up an effort to help these sisters."

But then, Muslims wouldn't be human if you didn't have a preponderance of the other comments.

And that's the thing! Muslims are humans! We are humans entitled to our opinions as much as Islamophobes are entitled to theirs.

For that reason, because it's so painful for me to read, I will not read any more reviews of the anthology, and I will not read any more comments to articles. It's too much.

It's hard for me, but no more looking to other Muslims for validation of my Islam, not even a potential spouse. As the lyrics above say, it's not a right that anyone can deny. My Islam, no one can deny. It's not a right to be denied. One could kill me, and though they may believe it to be true, they have not killed my Islam, but were God's agent to bring me closer to Him, though you may believe I'm closer to Satan.

No one can take this from me, no matter how good of a Muslim or bad of a Muslim they judge me to be. God promised me His mercy as long as I believe and do righteous deeds, which far outweigh my bad deeds. Really, what more do I need? What more do I need as encouragement to keep living as I do, striving as I do?

Alhamdulillah, and I'm done.

Friday, February 24, 2012

In Wait for Mr. Right

As salaam alaikum,

After the thing with Y didn't work out (long story...long, happily hilarious story, haha!) I suddenly felt free! It was inexplicable. Instead of my usual moping after the end of a relationship (or not-relationship, as this case was) and believing that "no man likes me," I went to sleep, had a crazy dream where I felt freer than I ever have (but, for the sake of self-censorship, haha, will not reveal), and woke up and had an awesome day.

There was something liberating about not waiting around any more for this man to decide if he wanted to be with me or not, or get things started. There was something liberating about trying to make him fit in my man paradigm just because he was the one who liked me. Especially after I made the declaration "No more Nigerians!" (not that I'm excluding my motherland brothers entirely...but the record, brothers and sisters, has not been good), I felt especially free!

I realized that feeling lonely is one thing, but feeling like only one type of man or one group of men will likely end up marrying you is another feeling of desolation all together. Don't get me wrong, I love my heritage! I just don't think that ending up with a Nigerian man (and if Allah (swt) wills it, who am I to dispute it!) is necessarily the best fit with all that I am. I am Nigerian, but my tradition in Islam is more that of African Americans and not Nigerian Muslims, for example. I'm most Nigerian in my body type (apparently) and my food palate, but the second pais do meu coração is Brazil! I keep imagining instances in my life in which I could just pick up and live there, maybe in Salvador, for years. I clearly know more Brazilian music than Nigerian music. I don't speak Igbo...I speak Spanish and Portuguese. If I had to choose a hemisphere longitudinally, I would stay on this one. The family I grew up with is here, Latin America is here.

As I say in "The Hybrid Dance," I am more than an Igbo who is not Christian, more than an African American Muslim. I am a Muslimah, first and foremost, independent of my culture and ethnicity. I am Igbo Nigerian American, black American and a lot in between. I was born a daughter, a granddaughter a cousin and a niece, and I became a sister along the way to a very special young man who I tease but who has all of my heart. I am also a sambista, a noveleira, a future family physician and public health practitioner. I am a creative writer, a música popular brasileira singer! I am a nerd! I am a hispanohablante and a lusoparlante. I am a soul sister, loving me my soul music throughout the years.

And all of these things I am and all of these things that I have done, I've done by the grace of God without a partner in life, sometimes in wait for him and sometimes not. But I've become this full person not to thereafter mute parts of myself to fit with a man who likes parts of me and doesn't care about the rest. That is not why Allah (swt) gave me this time on earth to develop my interests, my career, my tastes. That is not why God has me waiting now, in wait of my Mr. Right. For me to act like I didn't have this time to become everything I dreamed and never dreamed of becoming just to throw it away for a man who is not it!

No! If that were the case, I could have met said man a long time ago, and maybe I wouldn't have been some of the things that I am. And that would have been okay, but that's not the reality.

No. I may be in wait for Mr. Right, but it isn't a twiddling-my-thumbs kind of wait. It's a Center of Awesomeness kind of wait. It's a me doing my own thing, taking care of my physical and emotional health and my hair health type of wait. It's me loving and living with those in my life type of wait. It's a me continuing to develop type of wait. Because, insha'Allah, I'm graduating from medical school this May with my MD and MPH, and I'm going to begin the transformative process of residency, iA. There is so much more that I'm going to be, iA, if he continues to bless me with the full life I've already had.

And Allah (swt) will provide for me a worthy partner, as I will be a worthy partner for him. Insha'Allah.

I know I'd be more content with myself, in and of myself, if I didn't have this strong need to share myself with others. I think the reason I've always wanted a partner is that I've wanted someone constant, who as long as he lives and as long as we are together, is going to be in my life. And even in times of absence, I'll know he'll be back. He'll be that person that I can share all of my life with, who doesn't move on with his life like friends will, who isn't my parents. I love the times I am alone, just me, writing or chilling or listening to music, but even with music in the background, it's quiet.

My friends know from the way I blab, I love to share my life. And I get lonely when there's no one to share my life with. But lonelier is the feeling that who you may be accepting into your life as a partner may not share. May not let you live in his blue.

É, você que é feito de azul, me deixa morar nesse azul...

I'm in wait for that man made of blue...or yellow, or magenta, or cerulean...or cinammon, or milk chocolate, or cream...of gold, whatever color he may be. I'm in wait for someone who lets me live all up in it, as I'll let him in my burnt orange!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Too Much

As salaam alaikum,

In life, there is too much to do, too much to be, too much to start and too much to read. You should never be bored, ever.

Never!

I'm reading two books at once, each one changing my life as I read. I'm reading, Love, InshAllah (in order...I'm not reading my contribution yet!) and I'm reading Muhammad by Martin Lings. Wow. Our Prophet (saw) was gorgeous, masha'Allah, in a way that it's taken me all these years to know, because it's taken me all these years to get this book. I think it's a must read for all Muslims, especially those of us with no aspirations to be scholars. I feel like it's something we should know and it will challenge and deepen our faiths.

Next, I'm reading The Veil and the Male Elite, just to variar.

And after this, I'll need some good fiction to read. Any suggestions would be awesome! I especially need to read more stuff with multiple narrators. I may reread Delirio by Laura Restrepo (in Spanish), since it was the inspiration for the way I lay out RMD, but I need to see more examples of this to make it work.

I have two other story ideas brewing...one, of course, is The Misadventures of Nisa, which has accompanying music I'm composing, and another, which does not of yet have a working title. That's three projects! My first is always RMD, for now Nisa is just me working on the music (and then researching how to write a screenplay). The other one, I'll be plotting out as I go...it's just in the imagining stage, as RMD was after I wrote the paragraph for a crreative writing class this time in 2007 (five years ago!).

There is yet still much more for me to read about, learn about, become and pray for. There is too much of the world to begin! People like to cry out for the end of times, but instead of worrying about that, let's do more than just making due with what we have! Let's do what God set us here for, which is not to mope about the present and hasten, as if our will had anything to do with it, the Day of Judgment.

The Center of Awesomeness is in full bloom, and I pray that it never leaves me.

And while it feels like so much now...there's so much more. And I'll take it!

...and I'm sorry, I had this song in my head, too...



Friday, January 20, 2012

Have a Talk With God

As salaam alaikum,

(6:48) "And We send [Our] message-bearers only as heralds of glad tidings and as warners: hence, all who believe and live righteously -no fear need they have, and neither shall they grieve" (emphasis added)

I am also called to mind this song by Stevie Wonder, haha, my favorite musician ever:




Masha'Allah and Alhamdulillah!

There are worldly solutions to many of the problems we face in our daily lives. You can mediate, you can think in terms of statistics, like, really, what is the chance that this plane I'm in that's suffering this terrible turbulence over this mountain range is going to crash? This flight has never suffered a crash, people fly every day and most days there's no plane crash...it's said that the most dangerous parts of the flight are the takeoff and landing, and we're in neither, and how many crashes take place mid-flight, anyway?

Or, one could place their trust in God, in whose dominion there is no error, there is no weakness as therre is in our ability to meditate on the positive or be consoled by the statistics of life.

This is one example of an anxiety that we face, but not all of us. I was informed by a friend that she never thought of the precariousness of flight, or the wonder of a plane to propel itself into the atmosphere and remain adrift in the air, just because she "always" assumes that everything will work out. She found my anxieties unhealthy, and maybe it is. I wouldn't call it a disorder, though, because it's never paralyzed me in my daily life or kept me from aspiring and achieving my dreams.

But it just takes me to a different level of God consciousness.

I never assume things will work out. I know, alhamdulillah, that everything will work out, insha'Allah, the way it should. I just also know that the intermediate outcomes may not be to my liking, because as He tells us, "it may well be that you hate a thing the while it is good for you, and it may well be that you love a thing the while it is bad for you: and God knows, whereas you do not know" (2:216).

And while I knew, insha'Allah, that everything would work out, the God knows and you don't part was what caused me anxiety, and basically caused me to revert to doubt, anxiety...

That plane could crash, I may not be the great physician I aspire to be, I may never get married, and if I do, I may be infertile...and though I may hate these outcomes, God knows what I do not.

Alhamdulillah, I am no longer burdened by these thoughts and insha'Allah, this respite from these anxieties should continue. And it's not because I'm meditating or thinking of statistics, nor is it really because I'm thinking of what God in general wants for us, and why what He should want for me is the marriage and family I desire, at least...

Because the truth always remains, God knows what we do not, including the future, including His intent for us in this existence and the grander intent He may have for us as our eternal selves in the Hereafter. I will not know, and that is part of the beauty of the human experience. I will struggle in pain but I will also be pleasantly surprised, and the reward is with Him in the end, greater than any reward in this life and greater than the balance of the cumulative pain felt in this world.

It helped me some to meditate in this way: to recognize that sometimes I will feel pain, that sometimes I will be anxious or lonely, or sometimes a remembrance will bring me sadness, but this is okay. I have the tendency to get anxious when I'm sad and it ends with me downward spiraling into a self-pity fest, or, to be less hard on myself, desperation. I tend to be haunted by the thought that maybe I'm not strong enough, that I was made weak, and that this is manifested in my occasional depression. It helped me a few months back to meditate on the fact that this is how I feel now, and that it's permissible, if not justified, that I feel the way that I do.

But that didn't help always, and I found myself in a desperation at one point that I had little patience for and no longer wanted to be in.

This meditation did not work because God was absent in my considerations, and my methods were therefore weak.

So instead, I will "meditate" in prayer.

I began feeling anxious upon talking to a friend of mine who is also applying in family medicine. She's planning to go to a program in Chicago that sounds like an excellent program. I began to doubt my decision to not apply to any Chicago programs, began second-guessing my first choice program in favor of another that would be closer to her, began wondering if there were similarly other jewels of residency programs that would have been in places that would be better fits for me than my top choices, and I began wondering how I would ever make this choice.

And then, that ayah above (which comes up multiple times in the Qur'an) came into my mind, and I smiled, smacked myself on the forehead and said, "Duh!" I'll pray on it, I decided, like everything else. Why hadn't that occurred to me?

Well, let me be real on two fronts. One, of course praying about these things occurs to me, but I think often I pray on a macro level and do not recognize the opportunity to seek guidance (because that's really what prayer comes down to in this context) on a micro level. Like, here is an individual doubt that could possibly breed anxiety. If I let that anxiety blow up on a big scale, I'll find myself doubting my training, my community, my career. It's not about that. Alhamdulillah, I'll become an excellent family physician whichever program I match in out of my top three. The question is, which one should I go in order to realize the full extent of my blessings...

And that is why I have payed istikhara and have faith that I will be heard, as I always have been, masha'Allah.

And my life is as it should be, masha'Allah.

On the second front...I know this new security comes in part due to the fact that I am now talking to an interesting, admirable and intelligent brother in Islam. And while I let anxiety and insecurity overtake me shortly after hearing the news of this interested Muslim from a non-Muslim friend of mine, I calmed when I talked to him a few days back and got to hear his voice and know how easy it was to talk to him...for two hours.

It's easy to have this security in my faith now and trust in Allah (swt) once I see the possible synthesis of a prayer I've had over the years fall into place...or at the very least, understand some of the reasons why it could be a while in the making (or at the very least be inspired to another strong story idea)...but what if this were to go away? Will I be strong enough to talk with the conviction that I do now about the ease with which I can make decisions by simply having a talk with God, asking for guidance, praying salatul istikhara?

Insha'Allah. In the meantime, instead of letting these doubts degenerate into anxiety, I will also take this issue to prayer...as I did my burgeoning relationship with B, that I nearly through a tantrum about in the course of letting him go, but that I should have realized was the answer to the softest of my prayers while with him.

The answers are all with God. If I believe, and do righteous deeds, and strive as I am striving and aspire to strive...there's nothing I should be afraid of, and I will not grieve.

And I didn't need to have Stevie on repeat to tell me that. None of us do.

(2:62) "VERILY, those who have attained to faith [in this divine writ], as well as those who follow the Jewish faith, and the Christians, and the Sabians -all who believe in God and the Last Day and do righteous deeds-shall have their reward with their Sustainer; and no fear need they have, and neither shall they grieve" (emphasis added).

Thursday, January 19, 2012

In Love!

As salaam alaikum,

I'm in love with life right now! Such a delicate, intricate, complicated...yet interconnected entity, with explanations for some events that we can see in this life and others that we'll know at the end. Masha'Allah! Amazing!

I don't want to be me achando or preempt something that may not be...but there's something about the way I've been feeling about the events of the last few days, and it could just be the light of my anticipation and not any grander meaning than that...I don't want to get ahead of myself. Especially not here, since, after the anthology, I feel like I'm more searchable and identifiable and I don't want the parties involved in this story to be alarmed, but...

My life just got richer over the course of less than a week.

And it's funny, but...my first impulse with the situation was to write a story about it. Ahahahaha...I'm such a nerd.

Insha'Allah I'll get to live it without writing a story about it for a change.

Insha'Allah, it all comes together for good.

I know I'm not saying anything, but...suffice it to say, the Center of Awesomeness continues! New writing projects, spiffing up RMD, and exploring gender relations in Islam and why our communities adopt such dysfunctional ways of "averting our gazes." I see how people delve into Islamic scholarship...I could, just on that level, finding ways to enact and properly adapt Muslim gender relations to life here, en los EEUU.

Anyway, I'm out!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My Vision

As salaam alaikum,

I woke up from a series of weird dreams with a vision in my head. As I've gone throughout the day, that vision has grown in my mind and it's almost exploding in my chest right now! I had to write it down, but I end up gchatting with a friend about residency and the infamous (at least to us) rank list, and I didn't get to spend as much time with Martin Lings' Muhammad as I wanted to (and as I've wanted to for years, but always forget to pick a copy up when I have free time to read). Instead, I ended up doing a lot of facebook posting about the anthology, looking up details about the residency programs, and also looking up random things, like family medicine in Brazil and information on adopting children in Nigeria...

But my vision for my life from this moment onward is now in place!

I mean, huge disclaimer...I realize that the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft a gley. I realize this. Yet, I'm the same 19-year-old girl who mapped out her entire four years at Michigan with about three different combinations of double majors and minors before deciding on my double major, and then stuck pretty closely to the schedule of courses I thought. I am not comfortable unless I plan out my life for a good chunk of time in the future, even knowing that plans are subject to change.

That's why the whole being single thing is so distressing to me. I'm like, what, I can't actually control that? I mean, of course I know I can't...but that really puts a monkey wrench in my emotional time and energy. It always comes when you least expect it, everyone says...thus throwing a monkey wrench into your other plans, too. But when you are looking to a relationship for half of your religion, let alone emotional fulfillment, companionship, partnership in life...and yet you have to keep on living with that being a grand question mark over your head, what do you do? You have to put the emotional energy you would normally put into stressing about that into something else!

Thus, my vision! Or visions, as they may be...

My career is going to be full, insha'Allah. I hope to become a family physician who has a maternal-child health practice and also participates in community health projects in my community, while having my foot occasionally abroad, later hoping to do some more work at the state or national level in terms of public health...but that later part is too far into the future. Like my said, if it were just for my career, my hands will be full, but my career is not enough to "belly-full" me, as my father would say...

I mean, alhamdulillah, it's quite a blessing to go into a career that I love so much and that I can use to serve others and will be part of my worship in the end, but I am more than medicine and public health.

I'm also writing, fiction and non-ficiton, evidenced by the fact that this exists! Alhamdulillah, the anthology is arrasando so far, even before it's available for purchase, but I also do eventually want to publish A Rose Much Desired as well as I want to work on a screenplay or two, one of course being "The Misadventures of Nisa," for which I'm writing music! I know residency will be busy, especially if I try to have community projects (required or not) alongside my work, but I want to keep writing part of my life and I always want to have at least one writing project going at any given time. Insha'Allah, I hope the anthology is just the first of more publications to come!

And of course, I wanted it all! My career, my greatest hobby (not to mention my other hobbies of singing Brazilian music, samba dancing and keeping in shape otherwise...), and a family! And yet, as I said before, while all things are blessings from Allah (swt), this is the thing that I can control the least. So I can't worry about that. So instead, if I feel like I have space still that I would prefer to fill with family life, I will fill with other things.

First of all, I do plan to eventually have a family, insha'Allah. If I am still single in six years (that's three years, insha'Allah, after I'm a practicing physician after residency), I do plan on becoming an adoptive mother. I've started looking up adoption options right now, because I understand it can take some time, just to know a little bit of background and what my future self will be getting into. I might adopt from the US as well as I may consider adopting from abroad. I'm also encouraged by seeing more writing by Muslims about adoption in Islam. God in the Qur'an mentions so often about caring for orphans...so insha'Allah, if I can't have children of my own, this is what I will do. This is my plan, and I pray that it will sustain me in the moments that I despair about being single!

But the main thing that I realized that I could do, through writing, through blogging, whatever, that I can help out other burgeoning Muslims or Muslims on the fringes. I realize that in MSAs, in a lot of the popular blogs that we read and other places, the Muslims we see are Super Muslims. At least that was my perception of it. At my MSA, the leaders were mainly people who were majoring in AAPTIS (Arabic, Armenian, Persian, Turkish and Islamic Studies) and were all planning to become scholars in their own right. Even if they weren't on the Islamic scholarship road, they were people who were well-read in scholarship and were taking advanced courses in Arabic, all things that I was miles away from doing as a Spanish and Cellular and Molecular Biology major. I didn't even have space in my schedule for introductory Arabic courses, something that I lamented.

But now, I'm finally okay with that.

I was surrounded by future Islamic scholars in college, yes, and people who were on their game in terms of their deen, but that didn't mean I had to be there, or that's what (or all) that I should aspire to.

No. I was an aspiring physician, and insha'Allah I'll be graduating from medical school this May. There are other worthy ways I can strive as a Muslim in this world without acquiring fluency in Arabic, without being able to read large sections of the Qur'an in Arabic, without becoming a scholar. And then some, but I don't think many of us who are striving in the beginning or reverting early on know that it's okay to strive for "less."

The fact is, we need people to be physicians, dentists, and lawyers...businesspeople, nurses, authors and actors...many other occupations that will not allow us to be mini-scholars and many worthy occupations that will require a lot of our time and energy during training. And these are worthy forms of worship as well. Yes, worship...ones career can be made an act of worship just like having sex with one's spouse can be an act of worship. Yes, sex. We pronounce bismillah before salat and bismillah before so much else in life, and especially if we have service careers and especially if we work in our career for the good of not only our ummah, but humankind in general...this is worship. This is greatness.

So, I'm going to continue to do what I'm doing now. I am going to blog. I am no scholar nor will I ever be, insha'Allah, but I am a regular, everyday Muslim who is striving in my own way, taking my own steps, realizing my own dreams, hopefully in accordance with what God wants from me. I believe I am realizing just one way to be Muslim that we have been blessed with the freedom (by God) to realize, and I want to be there with others who are along a similar path as me...I want to learn with others who are on a path similar as me.

For now, I'll do this through blogging. Insha'Allah, I could expand this...who knows better than God?

So, these are just some of my visions...things to keep myself busy in ways that I alhamdulillah have more in my control and insha'Allah will have more in my control for time to come. If I do end up marrying, then alhamdulillah, but I can't count on that or hope for that anymore without despairing too much for it to be helpful. It's time for me to move on...

New Center of Awesomeness continues!