As salaam alaikum,
Okay, so I'm not so slick. In fact, if anyone ever figures me out, I'm very predictable.
The entry before, about giving up on relationships, forever? It wasn't because nothing was happening. Hah, no, quite the contrary! It was because I know I was entering into a situation where Satan would quite quickly become the third.
Say what, you say?
I was seeing this guy who was very, very sexually attracted to me and allowed myself to find myself in a compromising situation with him, and I discovered what the fruits of such attraction can be...yikes!
I wanted to run away. I wanted to cancel on him. And probably the good Muslimah in me would have canceled...but curiosity almost killed the cat...
It was ridiculous. I spent the entire day texting B, and I know exactly what I was trying to do. I was trying to get him to show some sign of still liking me, feeling sorry for me, wanting to get back with me so I'd have a way out from the hands of this ravenous beast of a man that I was seeing. I couldn't just leave on my own, because admittedly, I was intrigued...
Long story short, dude attacked me! Like, consensual attacking...like, I wasn't assaulted or anything, but once again, I vastly underestimate the sexual appetite of a man. He even picked me up at one point. It was bad, it was really bad. He was all like, sorry, I didn't meant it.
So to be frank...I tend to shrink away from relationships when I sense that a man really wants to have sex with me. Counterproductive...yes, in a way, but not entirely. If that man can't be honorable and honor my wishes to wait, religious, spiritual, whatever I call them...it's a problem.
I'd never had a hickey before. He gave me two that I tried frantically with foundation to cover with little success, so I had to wear a fleece all day. One of them is so big, I thought I should pass it off as trauma. Like, "Dude, you know what happened...a crazy patient grabbed me by the neck." Nope.
So I told him to, as they say in my novelas, "Da un tempo," give me some time, space. As flattering as it is for me as a female to be apparently wanted that much...nope, nope, nope.
No to him and no to B.
And that's how I got no to all men.
I was very frustrated that the men I get are men who just want to have sex with me, not men who have more honorable intentions.
But then I have to step back and realize...through online and other venues, I've met Muslim men looking for wives...I just don't trust the bulk of them.
And that's it...I just don't trust men! The more I get to know them and how they think, the less I trust the intentions of any of them, even the "honorable" ones. My uncle couldn't even make it married to my aunt for 25 years before he cheated and then ducked out, not even speaking to his children. And he was Muslim.
I think about it, and of the 10 children that my grandparents had, my parents are the only ones who's marriage did not involve infidelity. Of the 10 children, only 3 of them are married to their original spouse...the two oldest boys and my mother. My mother is the only one of her sisters who has been happily married and is still married. My grandparents, who have been married for 65 years in a couple of days, insha'Allah, had huge struggles, including my grandfather's infidelity, to deal with early in their marriage.
In my family, the only model of the type of man I'd want is my father. And I think right now I am in denial of how much any news of my father being unfaithful would shatter my world...
My mother regrets that my father doesn't go out and do things with her, like go to concerts, like travel, like go on small trips. They would have, probably, if it weren't always for the question of my brother. But at the same time, from the outside looking in on their relationship, I see it as an advantage that my mother has in my father such a homebody. He goes straight from work to the house, watches his news, plays on the computer, goes to sleep for an early day at work. On Sunday, he goes to church, comes back, goes to the gym with his son.
I don't know how this all works. Finding someone and then marrying them, that kind of thing. I don't know how to arrive there, short of someone miraculously showing up in my life. I've tried online, and I've gotten everything from Muslim men renaming me to two large hickeys on my neck. Bad yield. I've tried real life, and then I got B, the dud, another man who I know was looking to have sex with me, and a whole other conglomeration of losers.
They say it's when you least expect it. I hope not, because the time I'll least expect it is when I'm dead, and that's going to do no good...
But at the same time I also want to give up. I still do. I want to give up and focus instead on dedicating my life to my brother, giving my parents a break during their golden years, looking to make sure my brother has some enriching activities to do, watching him, freeing my parents to really be empty nesters in their sixties like they deserve to be.
And I think that's what I'll do.
Fighting to keep sex at bay with guys who are really just into the sex anyway and aren't ready for the type of relationship I really want...'tou fora!