As salaam alaikum,
So, I just watched the movie Mooz-lum, written and directed by brother Qasim Basir, and man...words cannot describe how much I appreciated so much of that movie. From the representation of black American Muslims to the shots of my alma mommy Umich to the shout-out to Ahmo's in the movie (which made me laugh!), it was genius, it was great.
So, as a result, I decided to do a little internet stalking of brother Basir to learn a little bit more about him. That project ended because I'm currently twisting my hair and that will take a long time...
But as I sent the brother a fan mail and I thought about how much I admired him as an artist, as a fellow Muslim, as a man, these lyrics went through my head,
"I only have eyes for you..."
And I started singing aloud, "I don't know if we're in a garden. Or on a crowded avenue..."
Yes, a year ago, I started seeing a non-Muslim man who made me, frankly, feel very good about myself. Five months into it, he abruptly left and I have been feeling progressively worse about myself and hit rock bottom in very many ways. Ramadan came along, and I took myself through iman boot camp, and am trying to get myself back on a track I began my sophomore year of college. And insha'Allah, I'm there, and alhamdulillah, I'm taking strides to get back where I need to be.
I watched that movie, I read that brother's bio, and I remember something I once said when I debated being with B. I said, "I still will choose you first." (Another song...I listen to a lot of music).
For my Muslim brothers. I read that bio and in the midst of all of the admiration I felt for this brother, I found myself blurting, "I wonder if he's married?"
And I laughed at myself! It's been a while since I did that, since I've allowed myself to do that...to be a Muslim girl.
Instead of having to adapt to secular relationship paradigms and then doubting myself when I'm not good enough in some mysterious way or another.
"...but they all disappear from view. 'Cause I only have eyes for you..."
My Muslim brothers! "I'll always come back to you." (Another song, sorry!) My non-Muslim friends don't understand why I sometimes "limit" myself to Muslim men. It's not a limit. The frank fact of the matter is, more often than not, if it's a non-Muslim man doing something awesome and a Muslim man doing something awesome, I will respect and admire the Muslim man more, especially if the awesomeness that he is doing manifests that his beliefs lie along a similar plane as mine. Within any religion, just because someone is an adherent doesn't mean they believe along the same plane or even in the same realm as you do. I am always open minded but I recognize when someone is my spiritual brother or sister and I can't help but admire that person more because of that...
And sometimes that happens when someone does not call themselves Muslim.
I know it because I admired MQ and loved him from a distance more than I ever loved B...
And though I still hurt from all of that, all of that...
It's good to be reminded. It's good to know where I stand.