Restless Soul

As salaam alaikum,

My soul is a vagabond, my spirit is a wanderer.

I can't stay put, I can't stop myself. I feel like I'm running through a narrow corridor, throwing myself at every open door, thrusting myself through those same doors, disappointed often about what's on the other side. I'm running still, for the end of the corridor, because before the end, there'll be some promise. I want to find a home, or at least a place to plant my feet for a while.

Where did this come from? I'm listening to "Encontros e Despedidas" by Maria Rita. That's what that song makes me feel like.

I am a restless soul, though, I realize. It's not necessarily a bad thing...it keeps me ambitious, working towards the next feat at all times. But I think it causes me to devalue myself a little, devalue my efforts. I look at what I've done so far in life as easy, but so many times, it wasn't. I've actually prayed hard and worked hard to get where I am today, but so often I engage this revisionist history as I look back on my life and say, "It was by the grace of God that I stumbled into medical school, stumbled into Harvard, happened upon this path." I may not have always intended to go to Harvard for medical school, but the whole application process, my undergraduate and high school education leading up to this point, has always been deliberate. I've never haphazardly made decisions. I'm not haphazard at anything. A lot of thought and prayer goes into every decision I make.

Am I still privileged and blessed? Yes. Allah (swt) guided me at times when I would have made the wrong decision, where I very well could have made the mistake of my life. But I'll destroy myself if I don't acknowledge the work that went into this.

Maybe then being such the restless soul that I am will feel better. Maybe then I can feel as if I'm running more purposefully toward my future, and not tripping forward, ambling forward, because I've never been one to step other than deliberately.

I just need to know where I'm going.

I just need to know that I can have what I want. I think I can, insha'Allah.