Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Life Finally Feels Like It's Going On...

As salaam alaikum,

The longest running obsession circuit that I've had in life, six years in the making...has finally ended. Who knew it would take me getting totally freaked out by the death of an actor 28 years ago to actually get me out of the circuit? Who knew it would take something like that, combined with the advice of a friend, for me to tomar uma atitude and move on...

Who knew?

The feelings that are left are feelings of...recognition of the feelings that once existed. No love has existed for a long time now, bitterness has been gone for sometime, too. I'm not sure what was left...confusion, maybe? Frustration when I couldn't stop thinking about them, and a little bit of something that I rarely experience...jealousy. In six years since I met you, you got to get those six years, I've experienced several degrees of single.

That's all gone, too.

Meeting up with my friend from college had to be the bulk of this, though, and telling the entire story to her in this succinct way that made it feel...over, complete. Her concept of me was completely separate from all of this, whereas I was living in a reality in which this defined my college career. She helped me gain some perspective, and here I am.

It is, in fact, possible to get all the way over someone without someone else coming along. It's just a lot harder, but I think you're a better person in the end because of it. You're stronger, at least.

...I'm still writing RMD, that hasn't changed. The focus has changed, though. When I first had the idea for RMD, it was a short story called "Agent" that was based on this, and it was meant to be more my commentary about the counterproductive nature of gender relations in Muslim America, especially for those Muslims who do not have a cultural system in place for marriage. "Agent" became one narration out of three in "A Rose Much Desired," which became a novel...the other two narrations being "Desirée" and "Muslimah." It was very Laura Restrepo of me to set up the story like this, but I think I had just read Delírio a bit ago when I came up with this idea.

Mo only became like a composite of this man and a few other people I knew a month before NaNoWriMo, and I think it was because at the time I was heavily disillusioned by the fact that I'd spent (then) 2-3 years liking this guy who had no idea I liked him back. Over time, after his engagement and marriage, Mo has become less and less this man and the focus of the story is back to where it always was supposed to be...a commentary of gender relations and some of the sequelae of the dysfunction with Muslim men and women, especially women.

I'll introduce you to the story and each of the three narrations later.

For now, it's off to the gym...

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