As salaam alaikum,
So, there comes a time in a young Muslim(ah)'s life when logic loses its voice and when thinking about haram, it can no longer be thought of logically but must be taken for granted.
This young Muslim(ah), who has always prided his/herself for being able to rationalize the halal and haram of everyday life and live harmoniously, finds his/herself in a moral conundrum about which (s)he recognizes that (s)he may have been too lax in the past.
But there comes a time when (s)he has to put his/her foot down and not be ashamed! There comes a time when, as much as (s)he decried it in the past, (s)he must forgo logic in its blaring absence. Logic's lost its voice, remember?
(S)he must declare, "It's haram...because God says so!" either aloud or within, and be satisfied with that, because nothing else makes sense.
Never mind relative morality.
And don't get so comfortable relying on the vast mercy of Allah (swt).
This is not meant to be preachy. This is just me making this realization and being like, aahh, okay.
The Qur'an is the book for people who think, but in those times when we aren't thinking...or don't want to think...it has just enough absolute values and dictates to keep us from straying.
Keep me in your du'as at any rate.
I'm fine, and nothing sketchy has happened, but I realize that I've been sewing the seeds of a too-lax morality for a while and while I don't have the capacity to reason myself back to a tighter moral standing, I recognize the value of keeping in mind what is lawful and what is forbidden as absolutes when one's logic is temporarily or permanently impaired.
There is wisdom in things that young people don't understand...at least not this young person.