Monday, April 11, 2011

This Man's World

As salaam alaikum,

I've been thinking about my life a lot lately, and the terms that I've grown to live in. A pivotal part of what I wanted in life was marriage and children, but now, I'm not so sure...

Though I'm angry at my ex for being mean, he didn't really do me wrong. No. He ended what probably would have soon started to not a distasteful way, yes, but he did it effectively. On the other hand, an aunt and uncle of mine are getting divorced because of my uncle's indiscretion,dividing a family that has been together since before I was born. I don't know the details, but it makes me angry to think of the times when a good woman has been done wrong.

A good woman. But not all women are good, just like not all men are bad.

Not all men are bad, but seriously, after hearing about some of the things they do, it makes me at least want to pistol-slap somebody...

But not all men are bad.

Part of me wishes that I had a dream that didn't involve a man so intimately. I wish I instead had a major career goal that I wanted all throughout life, or that I wanted to travel...male colleagues, I'm fine with. But to have to rely on a man to be a good husband and father? I'm starting to become skeptical.

My parents and grandparents are the only two solid marriages I know, and even my grandfather had his day, to say so respectfully. I don't want that. I don't want to end up in a marriage where I'm serially cheated on, where I'm verbally or physically abused, where the other person doesn't give two craps about me, really, and always has his mind or eye somewhere else. In a situation where a man simply sees me as a vessel for his children and a modified nanny and housekeeper. No.

I was thinking about it, and relating with a man puts us women in a vulnerable position. I mean, yes, in order to love, both men and women have to become vulnerable, but the vulnerability of women is much greater, even if it's just for the fact that we face the dangers of possible morbidity and mortality when bearing children. Depending on the ways we relate to men, not only do our lives change, but our anatomy and physiology changes.

I know for me in a relationship, I'm additionally vulnerable because I slip into the nurturing role really fast, making space for the man in my life, compromising more than I get back initially...leaving me vulnerable to being burnt.

I feel like no man is worth me being put into that vulnerable position if he's just going to crap over me later.

I wish I didn't want a family so much because then I wouldn't need a man. He could be my boss, my colleague, my patient, my father, my uncle, my brother, my cousin...but not my husband. It seems to risky and not worth the risk and the woe. I don't want to.

But there are good men, everyone says. Yes, and they won't be disappointed with one less woman on the market. Let them go!

I know we depend on each other. We were made for each other. We were made to complement each other in this life. I appreciate that. But I think what we have going here is a cohort of men who do not recognize this, devalue us, and what, I'm supposed to be sitting around like a good girl, hoping for that good man who will make my family complete?

No more.

I'm going to take a stand. Mark my words.

From this moment onward, I'm going to construct a new identity for myself, a new state of being. I'm going to create a new vision of myself that does not include marriage. I cry for my former dreams, but you know what, it's really not worth it. I've seen too many of the marriages in my family dissolve in chaos and unhappiness. I do not want to be one.

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