Uncertain Spirituality

As salaam alaikum,

I woke up this morning angry. I'm still hurting because I haven't prayed enough about it. He doesn't miss me at all. He doesn't even think of contacting me, like, life goes on, like I meant nothing.

You can never know really what's in anyone's heart...but this is why it was always a mistake to be with a man with uncertain spirituality. And this can be anyone, no matter what religion he calls or does not call himself. A man of uncertain spirituality cannot really value a woman because he has not figured out the terms in which to value others in this life, the terms in which to value himself. This kind of man not only doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't know how to value what he has, because this life has no certain value, and he's not sure if he believes in the next.

Or if he believes in the next, it's abstractly and that meaning doesn't translate to his life.

A man of uncertain spirituality doesn't bring his soul into relating with another person. He keeps it all safely at the periphery, so that he can escape to his solitude and his own self at any given time, brooding because he doesn't know what it means yet. He does not value the woman who was in his life so he does not miss the woman who was in his life, because he is uncertain of the value of just the mere presence of a person in his life.

I wish I had known from the outset that he was so spiritually broken, or I wouldn't have hurt myself to be with him. But I cannot belabor the point. We women have the tendency to cry after men who do not shed a tear for us, and so I haven't cried, but I also need to stop being angry, stop being hurt, just stop. I was messed over by a man that doesn't give a crap about me in the end. There's nothing I can do about it.

I shouldn't have settled. I shouldn't have sold myself short, but I don't know how to do anything but that, again and again. I thought he was the best I could do. But I'm a woman of certain spirituality, that's for sure. I'm growing, yes, and I make mistakes, yes, but I value other people in my life, and I value this life and the next and how everything is brimming with possibilities. Because of that, alhamdulillah, I can love. Because of that, I can make a difference in this life. And I'm blessed beyond measure to have made it to this juncture.

Will it hurt? Yes. It hurt as I felt him distancing, as I felt him losing feeling for me, as I felt myself slipping out of his life. I hurt every time that I remember how he told me that he lost attraction for me because of my weight, and how he must be stupid not to understand how hurtful it was for me that, just because of my physical appearance, I was no longer someone worthy to talk to, someone worthy to meet his mother, someone worthy to meet his family, someone to imagine a future with, not even the future of a couple of months forward. In spite of all of the beautiful that he said that I was to him, "on the inside."

But those are the marks of someone of uncertain spirituality. He wasn't ready.

But I'm ready. So I pray God to send me someone else who is.