Friday, May 20, 2011

For the Want of Sex

As salaam alaikum,

Where is the moderate path for this Muslimah? It may not be where I am right now...

As I distance myself from my ex, I begin to wonder the way to go about things for now, for the future. Having been with a non-Muslim now, I remember again why I did not trust non-Muslim men.

Well, maybe I don't trust men.

I feel like most attention that I ever get from any man is more for the want of sex than anything else. For the want of sex, in anticipation of the sex that all non-Muslim men seem to assume I'll give them for free, or too much about sex (or green cards) and not enough about the realness of marriage for Muslim men. It's like, okay, I get it, they're being men, and if they aren't following a greater moral calling or a religion or anything, they think they can get sex for free like they can get from so many other women.

And I'm just like, aaahhhhhh leave me alone!

Before my ex, people would try to set me up and I wriggled out of many a relationship. The Muslim men were usually immigrants and there was no compatibility beyond the fact that we were both Muslim. The non-Muslim men were usually not particularly religious...because the religious ones did not want to be with a Muslimah. Since they were not religious, I could read immediately from body language their intentions, and I would slip my way out after a couple of meetings...

People with secular values would say that I was afraid of sex. And I don't feel like needing to prove to anyone anymore that no, I'm not afraid of sex. I am also not one who idealizes it as much as some people I know who waited did...I've heard discussions of disappointment on the wedding night. I've never been that innocent.

But as my mother reminded me that I said in my more spiritually introspective days, submitting my life to Allah (swt) means doing everything in the name of Allah (swt)...and I do not want to do anything that I cannot do in the name of God. And having sex outside of the marriage contract is one of those things.

I mean, that being said, that's my living ideal that I strive for. We've all done things that we would not be comfortable pronouncing the name of God over, and I am for sure not an exception to that. But I need to keep that in mind, embody it, fortify myself with that...whenever it is that I relate to a man again.

Because they are tenacious! And I'm not saying that they are the only ones who want sex...because that is a lie. But compared to me, who is perhaps more content waiting than I have been all the other years I've been waiting...even the good ones will take the opportunity if it is given to them! My friend had to bat away her now husband months before their wedding...haha, she has more discipline than I think I'd have in the same situation...

So, all of this is to say...people have always wondered why I was single until I was 25. It's not even as much to do with my Muslimah identity (which, as a woman, I didn't assume until I was 18, really) as much as it is to do with my principles, my values, which go along, yes, with my Muslimah identity. I steer clear of precarious situations, and being around men who seem to mainly be interested in sex with me is one of those situations.

Because in the end, he may say he's all about me, whatever, but he can easily get sex from someone else who looks a bit like me. I'm not worried about these men.


  1. Snap
    ! snap! to so much of this. I had lunch with a Muslimah friend while in Boston, and of course we started talking about marriage finding someone and this very issue. Or rather we sort of bemoaned the fact that its something that is so normal in most adult relationships... a dude is just not expected to wait very long... lol.
    A lot of religious guys are trying not to spiral into sin and hence want to get married (of course so they can get it cracking :-(
    But there are good guys out there, virgins and non-virgins alike who would be willing and do wait, once the right woman is involved.
    You are Ms. Muslimah MD and you probably know this/can refute this, but I have friend who says that much of the pain that many women experience pain the first time, because they are tense--- and not 100% ok with what they are doing. This to me at least makes sense. All the more reason to ...
    Although I must admit, I am no longer waiting for the right guy, I am waiting for the right time. and will pick from the best available at the time.... just like guys do.

  2. Yeah, I will say that there is no medical opinion about the pain at first intercourse. Anecdotally, though, I think that a lot of women are apprehensive about penetration, between married and un-married ones...and I think there's a whole lot of men who don't know what they're doing in some of these situations...

    I try, I really feel like I don't trust any of them anymore, but the more I know them, the more they disappoint...