As salaam alaikum,
I was walking with my friend, talking about my recent woes, and I said this, and I think this was the theme of the day:
"It's not because of Muslims that I am Muslim. I'm Muslim because of Islam. If it were just for Muslims, I wouldn't be Muslim."
If I seek the pleasure of anyone, it is the pleasure of Allah (swt), because different from everyone, even my parents, He wants the absolute best for me and knows the absolute best for me, through my entire existence, this one and the next.
The truth is, I'm tired of explaining myself to Muslims...why I don't have a Muslim name, why I'm Igbo and Muslim, why I'm black and Muslim and not a revert, and still not being accepted sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers and sisters. I have found a community in my medical school where I have been accepted as I was, like, straight up, as I am, and I love them for it. But this experience has not been universal. So I'll stop griping about it. People are people, and I will continue to be amazed with the amazing people in my life, those who call themselves Muslim and those who do not, cherish these people in my life and not complain in want of others who are not in my life.
I have a wonderful, interfaith family and wonderful friends of all faiths who accept me as I am, more than maybe I've accepted myself for a while. I will not waste my time lamenting the want of a community or the want of a companion in life because I have great family and friends who fill most of the gaps in my life.
I mean, I do have an ideal reality that I'd like to live as a Muslimah. As a Muslimah at this point in my life, I once wanted to have a community. I desired to wear khimar, and I hoped that I could soon be married. Community and marriage didn't happen, so for years now I've been struggling to find that ideal. Not saying that these two things never will happen...just not right now.
And I actually am going back to being a medical student today, so I don't have a ton of time to write about my alternative ideal existence as a Muslimah, what I'm going to be striving for over the next few days, few months, few years...and I actually started writing this thing days ago and haven't gotten a chance to finish it. And there is now a roach in my room and I'm just like aaaaahhhhh...so I'll finish later.