As salaam alaikum,
One of my best friends at medical school got married last weekend, and while I'm very happy for her, I'm can't help but feel a little bit empty.
I've been trying and failing to find a different way to look at myself and my aspirations, to aspire to something that is not marriage and motherhood, and while I place my career now in such a place that no man I meet in the next few months will convince me to stay on this coast for the sake of the residency programs that I ultimately want in California...I cannot deny that my major goal in life is to be a family woman...a good wife and mother.
It's what I've always wanted, it's the thing I've prayed about the most, and I was made for it, I know. My brief stint with my ex shows me that I am a nurturer by nature. I thrive when I'm in that role. It is what is meant to be for me, and I can't convince myself otherwise. I don't know what else to do.
Pray for me, because I've run out of ways to pray about this.
I feel like screaming, too, because I get conflicting messages about my worth as a woman. I can't lie...I derive a lot of my own self-worth from who I am potentially more than who I am now. And I can't lie if I don't say that I feel like only half of a woman if I am not in a loving, nurturing relationship with a husband or a to-be husband with the promise insha'Allah of childbearing or childrearing. Admittedly, if someone were to tell me right now that I had a choice of either being a physician or happily married with a family of my own, I would chose the later right now.
But at the same time, I recognize the potential of ending up with someone who is beneath me, not worth what I have to offer, not a worthy father of my children. If I knew that I would end up with someone unworthy of being my husband and the father of my children or remain single the rest of my life, I would choose the latter, clearly.
But I wish I could know that, so I could go on, building my life as a single woman instead of constantly wondering...but that's not the way life is, I guess.
I look at my friend who got married. They were so right for each other, and I pray that they continue to find happiness in their marriage. Everyone tells me that someone is out there like that for me, and they're so sure of it. I don't know how they can be so sure...but so many of my friends are getting married this month, it just depresses me, reminds me of how incapable I seem of attracting a suitable mate, someone who can see in me something beyond potential sex or an abstract sense of duty...someone who can see in me the wife that I know I can be...
It makes me doubt a lot of who I am...because I struggle with the question...what is my worth if I cannot even get a worthy man to want to marry me? What is my worth as a woman if I'm only attractive for sex and nothing else? What is my worth as a person if I never succeed at attaining that which I most want in life? It doesn't matter how many people say I'm pretty or I'm intelligent, nor does my wit matter, my singing voice or anything.
This woman in my office asked why there isn't a ring on my finger, and my thought was, why would there be? No one has ever loved me for who I was without wanting to change me or thinking I was something else, and I'm starting to believe that no one ever will...