I'm Not One Who Makes Believe

As salaam alaikum,






I'm not one who makes believe
I know that leaves are green
They only change to brown when autumn comes around
I know just what I say
Today's not yesterday
And all things have an ending

Sometimes, I wonder. Sometimes, I wonder if the original vision that I had for myself, as a Muslimah, as a woman in this country, as an eventual wife, mother...I wonder if it's at all possible in this time, in this space, in this society, in this culture, as I am.

I've often felt that I was incompatible with life. Strangely, I don't feel that way anymore. Right now, I don't. I'm just trying to figure out the vision I have for myself, and marriage, and family...if there were an ideal life that I would live, a life in which I was sure I was pleasing to Allah (swt) and in which I felt I was doing what I wanted to in this life, what would it be?

I have no qualms about my career, alhamdulillah. I'm going into family medicine in rejection of all that I see wrong with super specialized medicine, hoping specifically to work with underserved communities, the people who need health care the most, help them coordinate their care with the specialists, help them prevent disease before they need the specialists, help them promote their health in a way they had never done before. And if they are healthy, insha'Allah they'll thank God more, and it will be easier for them to follow the straight way, or arrive there.

And Allah (swt) will guide me through the details of that career...will I do community-based participatory research? Insha'Allah. Will I become the medical director of a community health center in which I have practiced? Insha'Allah. Will I develop health promotion and prevention programs in my community health center? Insha'Allah.

Allah (swt) has blessed me beyond measure in this part of my life, in terms of my future career, in a way that I never prayed for, in a way that I could have never imagined.

If Allah (swt) has blessed me so much in these other portions of my life, why do I distrust Him so much when it comes to future marriage and family life?

I actually don't worry too much about family life, because once I'm married, that will make family possible, insha'Allah. I just worry about the marrying part...

Unlike school, there is no circumscribed road to marriage. This past year, I've experimented with many potential roads to marriage, and have been confronted with tough decisions and man who disappointed me. This made me step back and reanalyze exactly what it was that I wanted in marriage.

I want to be married in the name of God, in a partnership recognized by God, with someone who will help me be a better Muslimah as I will help him be a better Muslim. We will guide each other through life, independent of whether we have children or not. We will be each other's best friend... Ideally, there will be a great deal of attraction between us, important so that we have something to fall back on if we make each other angry. I'll have a partner in prayer, a partner in life, a partner in coming closer to God, preparing for each day and for the end of our days.

I want to be with someone who I would love to be my partner in the Hereafter.

I need to stop getting my panties in a bunch and I need to wait. God has heard every one of my prayers. He has to have...I've been praying for this very thing since I was a precious little 12-year-old girl, knowing nothing and wanting everything. The prayers have evolved, the desires have evolved, and in the end, after a painful trial-and-error, I know that God knows best, better than I can ever know, better than I can calculate, better than I can imagine. I was protected for a while and then He let me learn so that I may ease my frustration...He let me scream, He let me falter...it's time for me to get my stuff together.

There's more than one way I could arrive at this, but I don't want to. Honestly, I went over my best friend's house and took a new look at one of her friends, a Muslim man, who she tried to set me up with earlier. I wasn't ready. He's a small man, very respectful, masha'Allah a great Muslim. He stopped in the middle of the discussion to pray Maghrib in the bedroom and came right back, not missing a beat, something that I've not been able to do...pray anywhere. I usually try to schedule myself so I'm in the privacy of my own home for salat...which doesn't always work.

And I realized, as I listened to these men discuss what a revolution in Ethiopia would look like...no, there are good men out there. Is this man it? I don't think so...but he is a good man. I need to remember to stop singing the song I said I would stop singing...

And I need to refocus my efforts on Muslim men...or men who are ready to be Muslim and want to grow and are ready for partnership...

And I need not give up on my vision of marriage, which I don't think is excessively fanciful, idealistic, or any of that. And where there is God, there is a way...

And honesty is the best policy. I am a shadow of the Muslimah I once was in practice, but all that has happened in the interim will build my strength and iman and take me to that next level I've always wanted to attain. I will be honest with the man who will be my husband about my struggles and my aspirations. I will be honest with him as I hope he will be honest with me. And then we'll go forward and build that life together, in the name of Allah (swt), who has sustained us thus far.

It's not a frivolous desire, it's not unworthy, and it's not magic. For God who can say be and it is, and clearly wants the best for us in this earth in making this final revelation to us, and in everything else...I know God wants a good marriage for me and I know He knows how much it will help me...so let me stop self-sabotaging myself. All that I've learned to this point will help me make a good choice, find a good match. Bismillah...I'm on my way.

But what I'd like to know
Is could a place like this exist so beautiful
Or do we have to find our wings and fly away
To the vision in our mind?