Saturday, March 24, 2012

A Letra da Minha Vida

As salaam alaikum,

With my novela, Fina Estampa, ending in such an unsatisfying way, I'm left a bit desolate. They let the villain live! So anticlimactic...after all of that, Tereza Cristina sigue vivindo! Que merda!


Sometimes, I feel like I live lyrics that have already been written. This is my lyric for the day.

"I walk in shadows, searching for light. Cold and alone, no comfort in sight. Hoping and praying for someone to care. Always moving and going nowhere."

I feel like I'm always moving, and going nowhere. This may seem ridiculous from the outside. I'm very purposefully moving. I purposefully moved from my parents home to college down the street to complete my premedical education at a top notch school that offered me a full scholarship. I purposefully and prayerfully moved to Boston to go to medical school at what was touted as the best medical school in the country. I am purposefully, prayerfully and gratefully moving to Seattle, where I plan to attend an excellent residency program that will help prepare me to be the family physician that I can't even dream of becoming...

But in the background of all of this movement has been the constant search for love, hoping and praying to find it, hoping and praying for it to find me. I keep getting thwarted, and I keep hurting myself, and people keep hurting me.

I make every decision in this life with love and with love in mind. From my decision to become a practicing Muslim instead of the nominal Muslim I'd fallen into becoming as a teenager, it was always with love in mind. If I practice as I saw fit, most certainly this would facilitate me ending up with a mate who shared my values and a little bit of my vision, my worldview, my aspirations.

But facile it has not been. Maybe it's been harder.

With love, I decided on medicine, with love for my fellow human being, for the gifts God has given me, for myself. For hopes of sharing someone's dream and being capable of supporting my children and instilling the values that brought me to medicine in my children.

But my profession finds me busy so often, and love hasn't had a chance to find me. The dream of marriage, motherhood, continues to elude me.

With love I chose my specialty, and chose the program in which I wanted to train, and prayed for these much less heavy than I've prayed for this love, this love I want and feel I need for the rest of my life...

I have everything I wanted a little bit, and everything I never knew was so good to want and then have. I do not have what I have wanted most for most of my life.

I'm moving and with every move, every change in my life, every new phase, I hope and pray and beg that I'll be rightfully this life with a worthy partner, a worthy lover, husband, father...everything that I deserve and apparently don't know. I don't want to be told I'm fat anymore. I don't want to be bitten to be trained anymore. I don't want to be dumped like trash, ignored, disregarded like I have no feelings...anymore.

Sometimes I feel like God has contempt for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being mocked, like it's something I've done or something I've failed to be. Why can't I have this?

Why can't I have this?

Everyone says it's coming, but that's empty talk. They don't know. They've had their husbands for years, their children for years. They don't know what it's like to want this since you were too young to want it, to wait patiently then impatiently and maybe patiently once more for it, and not understand...when it's what you want the most in life, more than anything you had and never asked for, but do appreciate...they don't understand...

My next move is purposefully and prayerfully to Seattle, a place where, for another three years, I may be perfectly alone. The solterona that I've always been. I flounder to find my way and I get my God to lead me there, but I feel just as lost as always, and just as desolate as always, and just devoid of guidance as always.

So "I walk in shadows, searching for light. Cold and alone, no comfort in sight. Hoping and praying for someone to care. Always moving, and going nowhere."

I'm always moving, and going nowhere.

Always moving, and going nowhere.

Always moving, and going nowhere.

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