Tuesday, August 24, 2010


As salaam alaikum,

Tomorrow, I start at the school of public health for orientation. After reading for a couple of hours the summer reading that I skillfully left for the last minute, reminiscent of my undergraduate jeito, I began to reflect on what this new degree would mean for my career...

...or, who am I kidding? I've been thinking about that nonstop for the last 48 hours.

I would expand on it, but maybe I will later. I'm getting sleepy.

I haven't finished that article on emerging adulthood in the New York Times yet, but I think it perfectly describes the point of life I'm in right now. My life alhamdulillah is brimming with opportunity but with so much opportunity, the future seems daunting because of the number of choices we can make. I'm afraid that I may have already made a grand mistake somewhere in the course of this whole medical school selection thing...

I'm also trying to figure out how to be a better Muslimah, though I think I discovered yesterday that there is no comfortable way for me to be the Muslimah that I want to be. That may just be the reality of the life I live in right now, and where I am. I think the moderate path means that you're constantly having to reject extremes on every side of you, like seeking refuge from Satan, who will appear before and behind you, to the left and to the right of you.

Medical school has been complicated by the fact that I was not done, as I'd hoped I would be in undergrad, with finding my moderate path. I wasn't mature enough yet to make these decisions, apparently, and my judgment was clouded by my immature desire to end up with one particular brother who wasn't ever meant for me. I was always working against nature with that one. I could expand on that, but I have enough. Anyway, I had to continue in medical school, and I am now, on the eve of entering public health school. My moderate path right now is far from perfect, but I just pray that Allah (swt) is pleased with my efforts to improve upon this path.

In terms of my career...I feel far from medicine at the moment. I'll definitely have to keep my feet wet by visiting the wards or reading up in books or something, I don't know. I'll contact my preceptor for family medicine and admit to her how lost I feel at times in navigating my aspirations in family medicine and my desired career path and I feel like I'm essentially making a bunch of random decisions and hoping it all works out in the end insha'Allah.

...but maybe I'll say it in a way that sounds less desperate.

Life is so big, and to think it's like, nothing, compared to the real reality of things, and the Hereafter, and God's ultimate plan for me. I dream big, aspire big, bigger than can even fit in my own brain sometimes...oh well. I'm not especially worried, because I strive in this life to submit my entire being to Allah (swt), and the closer I get to that, the easier it will be for me to get to my destination.

Life right now is like...going up a staircase with a number of stairs you don't know and that you can't count, because you can see only so far up and the rest is obscured by fog. You can't go back. You can only see the next step right in front of you. I live imagining how many steps are above...if the staircase will fall apart, if there are detours, if the steps will be sturdy or unstable, if I'll trip, where I'll trip, if I'll fall, if I'll hurt myself...instead of focusing on these steps.

It's maddening. I'm done. I'll plan ahead and climb smart, but I'm only paying attention to these steps I can see right now.

And that's my career analogy for tonight. Sleepy time!


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