Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Opposite of Awesomeness

As salaam alaikum,

I must say, though I've grown accustomed to typing on my laptop, ergonomically I much prefer typing on the keyboards of the desktop computers at the medical or public health school. This keyboard here in the MEC types like a dream!

I felt compelled, rather than to read the chapter on discrimination and health in my social epidemiology book, to write an entry that was quintessential awesomeness. I don't know, I hadn't written in a couple of days and after an epically bad Friday evening into Saturday, I felt like a some small epiphany in writing was in order. Unfortunately, here I am, and no such inspiration arises, from the synapses in my brain to the flow of my fingertips over this seductively smooth keyboard.

Okay, I'll stop on the keyboard bit.

So instead of the epitome of awesomeness, I'm stuck with the opposite of awesomeness, I guess. No big revelations. Nothing much to say. I said with my mouth that I'm giving up on the hopes of marriage and will henceforth dedicate my life to my brother who has autism and my aging parents, but I'm not really serious about that anymore.

I mean, no doubt my brother and parents will be a big part of my life and I do still plan to take charge of my brother as my parents age and move my parents into an apartment [with no microwave and no stove] connected to my home [okay, maybe a microwave...] connected to the home where my family lives...but family is still a big goal of mine. A big yet ever more elusive goal of mine...

If I've realized anything, I've realized that I don't really know what's good for me. I know what I want, but I'm not sure, without going into revealing details, if what I want is what I need. For so many things in life, what we want is in fact not what we need. I think that certain qualities I'd previously considered in men really were because of the novelty factor, the desire for "otherness," and I can't actually separate if I'm desiring otherness for otherness' sake or if I'm looking for it as an indirect form of self-validation.

I guess, am I looking to be with someone from a group that I feel traditionally wouldn't find me attractive or worthy of being a mate because I want to prove for myself my own worth? Well, that's no good, if that's the case.

So there's that.

The other thing is...I'm really unsure what I could actually bring to a marriage. I mean, I know the various reasons why I want to get married, but really, how could someone like me enhance the life of a man enough for him to consider marrying me? Or even being in a relationship with me? I honestly do not know.

But alas, human beings are social creatures, so somehow it's supposed to happen. No one knows why I worry so much that I'll end up alone, but they need to understand that they have established precedents to base things off of...people like them who have ended up married, in relationships, or whatever. For some reason, I don't have that. I mean, I realize that this is because of the reality I created for myself, but really, it's the only reality that's true to me and that I'm comfortable living in.

I feel like it just screws me over for relating to others, in particular future mates, in a big way.

So yes, this has been the opposite of awesomeness. At least with the aspiration of dedicating my life to my now-existing family, I have something concrete to look forward to insha'Allah that I'm more certain will be a necessity. The formation of my own family...I don't know.

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