Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Affectionately My Ex / Worthiness

As salaam alaikum,

Alhamdulillah, I'm over the post-breakup funk. From here and into the future, B is affectionately my ex. I realized this in between standardized patients during CS today (alhamdulillah, that's over...now, to pass, insha'Allah...). I was in the bathroom, gazing at myself, from my hair, to the way my eyes look in my thick-framed glasses, to my smile, to my body, a little bit voluptuous today because of hormonal bloating (estrogen and progestin FTW), and I was just like...masha'Allah, look at this beautiful creation...about myself!

B really had issues to turn me down, issues which, compiled with everything else between us that we had to work on (the biggest being me being more spiritually evolved than he was, even if we both believed in One God), was just not going to work out for us. His concept of relationships and marriage was really immature, which led him to make the pronouncements about marriage as early as he did. I'm not dumb, so I expected as much and always took what he said with a grain of salt. This is why I'm dancing with myself in a hotel room in Chicago on a king size bed right now not lamenting the absence of a future husband.

Insha'Allah, it will happen soon. I know, because I've prayed for it always and I'll continue to pray for patience and a greater sense of self-worth until it happens. I have never felt more comfortable in my skin as I feel today. Remember MTQ? Yeah, it took me years to get over him, and I wasn't even in a relationship with him. B? Weeks.

What an interesting start to my 26th year. I've had to grow so much so fast in the last couple of months. Mainly, I feel sorry for B...he has no idea what he just passed up, but I'll still pray for him the best. The next woman will likely have less patience with him and be less accommodating...not necessarily, but likely.

But the paradigm shift continues. Though I certainly shifted paradigms to not feel like the worst Muslimah ever for being in a relationship with a non-Muslim (the jury's still out on that one, but God is Judge), I'm not running back to Muslim men, either. Insha'Allah, who is meant for me will come along and it will work. This may not be a man who calls himself Muslim now, and he may never call himself Muslim. I believe this with all of my heart and I know that it is not just those who call themselves Muslims that are believers, as certain as there are those who call themselves Muslims who are not believers.

There are those who do not call themselves Muslims who do good deeds, and there are those who call themselves Muslims whose bad deeds outweigh the good.

There are those who do not call themselves Muslims who could read the Qur'an and as the Qur'an itself says of those who follow other faiths, the book will bring tears to their eyes because they recognize the truth in it.

There are some who call themselves Muslims who are hypocrites.

I pray to Allah (swt) that I am not among the latter. Some may have the opinion that I am. That is fine. This is America and you are free to your opinions, but is that a good deed, oh fellow Muslim, to pass such a judgment when God is Judge?

I'm not saying I'm going to say no to a good Muslim man who desires me for marriage. Hah, he'll be crazy to want to, but okay, we'll go forward and see how things work out if I feel like it's feasible. But I'm also not going to hold my breath for one...

...nor am I really holding my breath for any God-fearing man to come into my life. I'm not holding my breath because I know that insha'Allah, it'll happen soon, and also...

It's just so exhilarating to find myself in a place where I'm not paralyzed by the fear of unworthiness before Allah (swt). That He created me makes me worthy enough, beautiful enough, excellent enough as is all of his creation. And that I believe in Him and turn to Him for guidance in every part of my life...which is what He wants us to do...how can I not be worthy?

Is the sun that rises in the east and sets in the west unworthy because it is a created thing and imperfect as it submits to the will of the Creator? Are the sparrows who wake, chirping in the morning, flying to food by day unworthy as they submit to the will of the Creator? Is the mosquito, that spreads disease that causes great injury, illness and death in several populations around the world unworthy as it submits to the will of the Creator?

So why should I be unworthy as a human being who was made human by my Creator who makes human mistakes as I submit to His will, realizing my nature and keeping it in check in favor of the straight way that He outlined for us?

I am God's precious creation, and like a precious daughter, I need to start treating myself with the love deserving of one who was made with the breath of the Creator.

I was practicing an Islam of Unworthiness. I henceforth practice an Islam of Worthiness.

...now, I'm tired from that test! Time to order some room service!

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