Wednesday, March 2, 2011

At a Loss

As salaam alaikum,

Everyone who reads this...pray for me. I am at a loss of what to do with my spiritual life these days.

An unfortunate analogy. I feel like a gormet dish that was carefully prepared, all organic, drizzled with the best seasonings and sprinkled with garnishes, just to be nibbled at around the sides before being pushed away, just to be returned to the waiter. I was exactly what he wanted but he lost his appetite, so he returned his order. I was messed over and tossed out.

What happened? Hehe. After months, he told me that over the past two weeks he no longer had feelings for me. So yes, after January was excellent for us and we started making future plans, marriage was just too much for him, and he dumped me.

For the time I knew him, he was gentle and understanding. He respected my being Muslim, that I pray, that I have my limits in what I deem acceptable for the relation of a man and a woman but at the same time I have my own unique rhythm to doing things. He was satisfied with what we had, let's say. At the same time, I found myself desiring to meet him halfway, doing more than perhaps I would have done, but I just figured it was part of compromise, heh, in a relationship.

I cycled through emotions...the first day after, I was very sad, the second day after, I was angry, to the point that I felt like punching out a window...but I didn't. Today and into yesterday...nothing, really. My emotions are neutral as I face the reality that I am back to being a single Muslimah, but now I have "was in a relationship with a non-Muslim" on my record.

So where do I propose to go from here? Nothing's exactly the same, really.

He knows so much about me because I talked so much about myself and my family in our time together. I gave him RMD to read. Surprisingly, it seems like I would have regretted our closeness, but I don't.

I don't know how to be. Part of me wants to go back to my more conservative days in retaliation. Like, this is a sign from Allah (swt) that this way of life was not the way to go. The man who seemed near perfect to everyone including me turned out to be worst than any man, with feelings that faded so quickly and an inflexibility to stick it out. A bad sign for the future. Imagine if marriage had happened, imaging if a family was involved? I would be destroyed.

Not irreparably, but whereas at least my faith is intact now, it wouldn't be then, because I've always prayed for a good marriage, one in which I'd never divorce and never need to. One like my parents' marriage...

But this has told me that perhaps I shouldn't have given up so soon on ending up with someone with similar values as mine. And I'm not just talking about with someone else who is Muslim, although that is preferred. Even if I was with someone who else who believed in God but had no religious title, I'd need to be with someone who believed in marriage for the sake of God, who placed divine importance on the choosing of a spouse, for whom the process isn't just a light process of finding someone who you are attracted to or in love with, but imagining someone who would be good for the journey through life.

In the end, it's probably not even his fault. I thought about it as my mother told the story about how, in the past, she prayed for people not to bother her in a day. There are people who would torment my mother at work, pick fights with her, and otherwise be inspired to evil. She would pray for them to leave her alone, and she says she can't otherwise account for it, but those people would suddenly leave their positions, leave the building, other things. She laughed and recounted a time when the person would look at her and look perplexed as if they could not mess with her that day.

I believe that.

So I'm trying to see how to go forward with this. I was beginning to have my doubts about him being able to be what I wanted in a husband, as we talked about marriage and future, because I was so much more spiritually mature than he was. I think God was rescuing me. Maybe like the people looked at my mother and could not bother her, B looked at me and felt that He could no longer be with me. I was developing bad habits and losing myself a little bit, but I figured it would remedy once the two of us worked things out. But now he's gone, and now it's just me.

I feel like the times when I was out in places I didn't need to be, and I felt like that bubble was around me, and no one could touch me...

I just pray that Allah (swt) has my rightful intended somewhere out there, in the wings. In the meantime, like I said, once Aunt Flo decides to leave, I'm on that fasting and praying bit... I need direction that only He can provide.


  1. Have been praying for you and will continue to do so. It is interesting what you pointed out. The dissonance between what we pray for and therefore truly want and our reality and sometimes our reality conflicts with what we are praying for and therefore something has to give.

  2. Jazaks, sis!

    It's true, something felt incongruous for a long mother says I have strong intuition, so I now I know not to ignore it now.

    At the same time that I had that feeling when I saw him in April before we got together in October that we were going to end up together, just in February I got the feeling that he was a temporary, but not the actual one. Allah (swt) communicates His will in ways that we can understand, if we let ourselves believe.

    This was supposed to happen, but it was supposed to teach me some things that I wanted to I know.

  3. Oh no!

    I just clicked on your blog and found all this no more B posts!

    But as you surely realize it is probably for the best, for now at least. Sometimes it takes something to happen for us to realize where we need to be.

    I pray that you find your center. At least you have a clearer picture of what you want and need in an S.O.

  4. @gazelle: Oh no, indeed!

    Hahahaha, one week out, and I'm able to laugh about it all. It was the strangest and most unexpected breakup ever. But no, whatever happens, it's great. You're right, I'm more certain now what I want in a SO, I'm back to where I should be spiritually, and now that I've had one experience, I won't be so unsure about the future...

    I thought he was different, but he just turned out to be Everyman.

    No more perpetually single Muslimah. One down, the next one will be gold, insha'Allah!