As salaam alaikum,
Alas, as I knew someday it would, loneliness has re-set in. Sigh. Oh well. Must keep on pushing...like Curtis Mayfield told me, we're a winner.
I guess I've allowed myself to get lonely now because, long story short, our mutual friends (who happened to be engaged to each other) held what I called a closure ceremony for us. We got to clarify the reasons for our breakup and things like that. So we did, and he clarified why he felt it so necessary to break up...he doesn't know what he wants in his career or in his life, and he didn't want to slow me down, since I'm going towards a career and know what I want to do with my life...
I had made a space for him in my life, in my way of being, a space that for a week I filled with anger and bitterness because I thought he broke up with me just because he spontaneously didn't have feelings for me anymore. Now that the anger and bitterness is gone because everything is clarified...I have an empty space that I'm trying to refill with the things of my life, and as I hurtle forward in this new, healthier baseline, I find myself reluctant to completely fill that space...
That was the space where hope and despair from being single used to be. The despair is gone, and the hope is confused. Part of the hope wants him back in my life someday, another part wants the perhaps someone better...an aspect that didn't exist when I was angry at him.
But it's better not to be angry. I'd rather take the time to un-confuse my hope and let it beam and grow, and fill that empty space with hope for something better. I'll feel that space with hope and love.
I pray that he finds his way.