Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Empty Space

As salaam alaikum,

Alas, as I knew someday it would, loneliness has re-set in. Sigh. Oh well. Must keep on pushing...like Curtis Mayfield told me, we're a winner.

I guess I've allowed myself to get lonely now because, long story short, our mutual friends (who happened to be engaged to each other) held what I called a closure ceremony for us. We got to clarify the reasons for our breakup and things like that. So we did, and he clarified why he felt it so necessary to break up...he doesn't know what he wants in his career or in his life, and he didn't want to slow me down, since I'm going towards a career and know what I want to do with my life...

I had made a space for him in my life, in my way of being, a space that for a week I filled with anger and bitterness because I thought he broke up with me just because he spontaneously didn't have feelings for me anymore. Now that the anger and bitterness is gone because everything is clarified...I have an empty space that I'm trying to refill with the things of my life, and as I hurtle forward in this new, healthier baseline, I find myself reluctant to completely fill that space...

That was the space where hope and despair from being single used to be. The despair is gone, and the hope is confused. Part of the hope wants him back in my life someday, another part wants the perhaps someone better...an aspect that didn't exist when I was angry at him.

But it's better not to be angry. I'd rather take the time to un-confuse my hope and let it beam and grow, and fill that empty space with hope for something better. I'll feel that space with hope and love.

I pray that he finds his way.


  1. May you both find your way. Seems like my life fluctuates between confusion and clarity, hope and despair. But I have to work towards being hopeful most of the time I believe because this is part of faith. I think for me despair also makes me lash at others who I feel have betrayed me because I feel there is no way out...whereas hope makes me soldier on and not leave a path of destruction behind me in my desire to change and achieve my dreams. I am getting very good at the latter, Alhamdulilalh. I hope this lasts and strengthens.

  2. Insha'Allah...may we all find our way.

    As soon as I get comfortable where I am, there's another elusive lesson to be learned these days, I'm finding...

  3. closure! you got closure! you got a clear explanation of why!

    consider yourself far more fortunate than 99% of women. Your friends are awesome!

    with that said, the loneliness will pass. and you will get better.

  4. @gazelle: I hear you. I've been having a time reminding myself of how much worse it could have been and has been for countless women before me...of men doing them wrong from all directions. Of all break ups, I think this is one of the better.

    Even so, I had to come to terms with the fact that even this still hurts, a lot, and will for a while, and has big implications in my worldview and spirituality. That's no small thing...even with closure. Even with amicable terms.

    Mas, bola pra frente! Life is good overall.