A new baby cousin has come into the world, healthy and hopefully able to be done with her oxygen by nasal cannula soon, insha'Allah. It's so amazing...I talked to her mother, my cousin, when she was only a hope and a prayer, and now she's here, in the flesh, a whole person that none of us were able to imagine before...a whole little person who may or may not be at all grateful to her mother. I never tire of seeing new life come into the world, but I'm very close to my cousin, her mother, so it seems more amazing than any birth I've ever witnessed. The only one that will rival it will be my own deliveries, insha'Allah.
I was so happy today (except for the brief time that I thought she had an apneic event, but she seems to be doing fine), I was happier than I've been in a while. It's also with this new-found stance I've happened to come across...the raising of children is worthy, but the want of children for the challenge of motherhood and the benefits it will bring me and the want to raise little believers, while all very worthy, is also me being ungrateful for all I have and am not doing all I can with right now. Soon it will come, yes, but...there's a lot for me to do in the meantime.
So no more blues! Let's see how long I can hang onto that after Ramadan...or even tomorrow.
Although, I do like this song:
The lyrics translate - "This morning, when I woke up, I looked at my life and I was startled. I have more than 20 years behind me. I have more than a million questions without answers. I'm linked to a blue future."
I have felt that way before, which is why I like the song. This is also why I used to fast music during Ramadan...there's no time for such sentiments when you're seeking the Truth.
Because in Truth, there is no space for blues. Any wrong in your life is either the result of something you know you've done or it is a test for you in the organic way of test...you're waiting while God gives you something in a space and time that's better for you, for example. So need for blues...you are not being done wrong. There is either an overweening justice or reason for your sorrow, that which closeness to God will solve.
But I did wake up suddenly and discovered that I've got more than 20 years behind me...26 now. Insha'Allah I do better with my life...
"Hence, bear with patience whatever they [who deny the truth] may say, and extol thy Sustainer's limitless glory and praise Him before the rising of the sun and before its setting; and extol His glory, too, during some of the hours of the night, as well as during the hours of the day, so that though might attain to happiness. And never turn thine eyes [with longing] toward whatever splendor of this world's life We may have allowed so many others to enjoy in order that We might test them thereby; for the sustenance which thy Sustainer provides [for thee] is better and more enduring.
"And bid thy people to pray, and preserve therein. [But remember:] We do not ask thee to provide sustenance [for Us]: it is We who provide sustenance for thee. And the future belongs to the God-conscious." (20:130-132).
That's a nuance I think so many of us fail to grasp...and I think it's okay, because some people function better with the idea of pleasing God for God's sake, and not ultimately for our own sake. I actually am one who functions better with the idea that it's for me, and if I say something that I do for the sake of God, it's because He knows what's best for me, while in my only limited vision of things, I may want something else. If I'm temporarily blinded and can't do things for my own sake (which happens a lot, actually), then I do it because I know that God knows best.
Anyway, no more blues, insha'Allah. I know I won't be happy all the time, but no more unnecessary angst!