As salaam alaikum,
The events of the past year were probably a blessing for me. I made some mistakes that didn't necessarily make me fall completely from a state of grace, but they helped me to attain to a state of humility that I was previously unable to get to because I hadn't lived long enough, essentially. But now, I understand. And now I'm at peace.
"And tell My servants that they should speak in the most kindly manner [unto those who do not share their beliefs]: verily, Satan is always ready to stir up discord between men--for, verily, Satan is man's open foe!" (17:53)
Yes, please, always! Let's use our manners and inside voices!
"Wealth and children are an adornment of this world's life: but good deeds, the fruit whereof endures forever, are of far greater merit in they Sustainer's sight, and a far better source of hope." (17:46).
This gave me pause and made me think. In becoming a physician I've aimed for, yes, financial stability and comfort, but not wealth...or I would not be going into family medicine. But children, yes, I've aimed for, and I've wanted...and it's within my nature to want children, so I'm not going to knock that. However, my eventual having of children has been my hope for so many things in my life, when my good deeds, even as simple as my daily salat, is a better source of hope. My being a good physician and actually helping people,should be a better source of hope than my children themselves. Stressing about whether or not I'll have something that God has been pretty clear that he wants for us, anyway, is not a good deed. It may even be a bad deed. Let me divert that energy and put it in a more worthy place...in my prayers, in my charity, in my service career. Let me spend of what God has thus provided me, and not out of what I do not yet have, thus sitting idly on what I have now to offer.
And I'm not sitting idly on everything. I'm not in medical school for nothing. But my prayer can be more ample and more purposeful...
And halfway through Ramadan now, I can say that I get something more than before. God has blessed me to be entering a career in which I can do great good. Let me not fret about the good I'm not yet doing because I'm not yet a wife and mother. Let me not sidestep God by doing things I know he'd not intend for me to do in becoming married, etc.
So I finally feel at peace. Let me hold fast to this piece and whenever it seems to slip out of my fingers, let me pray to God against Satan.
I still hope to marry soon. I just will insha'Allah be finally spiritually and emotionally busy with other things...